I am awake because I had a dream. One that I'm not sure I can shake off as easily as the ones that would have no meaning.
In the dream we went for our u/s on Monday and sure enough we saw a growth in the baby and we got to see a hb... a strong one in the 150s!
Tell me that I'm not just having this dream because I want this so badly to go the way I envisioned when I got my BFP that I'm willing to let my psyche play these games.
I've been praying like I've never prayed before the last couple nights when it's just me and buttercup left. I prayed that God will show us a miracle come Monday. Maybe that's why I had this dream? Or I've even come to believe that God gives us our answers in our dreams. Is that possible? I guess it could be afterall we are talking about the almighty Father!
I just don't want to be setting myself up for a HUGE painful fall come Monday but than I don't want to NOT have hope or faith in this.
And all I can do is read everything on www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com nightly! Just so maybe I can compare to others' stories and find comfort and maybe hope.
Is there such a thing as being TOO optimistic?
Someone please tell me I'm not a total crazy minded pregnant woman! And tell me what I am feeling is all "motherly instincts".
Or just slap me and bring me back into the reality of things....... something!
Well guess that's it for my rambling..... thanks for reading!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Friday, March 13, 2009
Call me a chicken or just call me OPTIMISTIC!!! But......
I am still pregnant! Until the fat lady sings I am NOT out of this yet!!
Anyways, today was suppose to be the day I get my DnC. But after much arguing with myself over night and reading blogs and reading websites we opted against the DnC for now.
We arrived at the hospital as scheduled at 1230. I went and spoke to the receptionist and told her that I was having "second thoughts" and being a "doubting Thomas" And she immediately said "I know you're not doubting yourself, you're being OPTIMISTIC and there's nothing wrong with that!".....
That made me smile. To know that an unbias party was telling me this.
So I went back and sat down with the nurse shortly after and I told her I wanted some blood work and another u/s done before we make this "final". I told her "I don't want to look back at the what ifs in life later on".
She said she'd go talk to the dr and see what he wanted to do but she didn't see a problem of him refusing this request.
So she left and than returned shortly after and said "the dr wants to have a face to face conversation with you but for now he wants you to go and get the pre-op stuff done anyways".
So we did and that took a whole half hour (blood work and an EKG).
At a little after 1 we came back up the dr's office and sat around for awhile. Waiting to meet and talk with the dr.
Well at around 215 or so the receptionsist says the dr may be awhile cause he went to deliver a baby..... well I asked if we can schedule to see him Monday or tomorrow. And sat back down in my seat.
Soon enough the dr came back up from delivery and we were escorted to the room.
Than the dr came in and we talked about how he wasn't comfortable with doing anything until I was comfortable, they weren't there to pressure me to do this if I didn't feel it was right yet.
He looked over my records and said "you're levels early on were 12" and I said "yep". and he jokingly said "wow the sheets were still warm when you got that blood test"..... LOL! And we all just went "must have".
Well long story short he said the blood work wouldn't show anything definitive cause the #s wouldn't be doubling. So instead he just wants me to get an u/s. He said there's no harm in doing this. And if it'll settle my mind and whatnot he has no problem with doing this...... which is great relief to know!! Much different tune that the female dr that was kind of pushing our minds one way! :)
He originally verbally told me to get one done on Thursday but his nurse called and said they scheduled it for Monday!
So we'll see more and know more on Monday afternoon! At which point I will update more.
Thank you for the extra push to get me thinking straighter ....... haha. I think this way we'll know 100% of what is going on and not be standing at a 90%. That extra 10% will make a huge difference.
Well guess that's it! Guess we wait, pray and hope that Buttercup pulls through for us Monday and we see more and find out more!! :)
Anyways, today was suppose to be the day I get my DnC. But after much arguing with myself over night and reading blogs and reading websites we opted against the DnC for now.
We arrived at the hospital as scheduled at 1230. I went and spoke to the receptionist and told her that I was having "second thoughts" and being a "doubting Thomas" And she immediately said "I know you're not doubting yourself, you're being OPTIMISTIC and there's nothing wrong with that!".....
That made me smile. To know that an unbias party was telling me this.
So I went back and sat down with the nurse shortly after and I told her I wanted some blood work and another u/s done before we make this "final". I told her "I don't want to look back at the what ifs in life later on".
She said she'd go talk to the dr and see what he wanted to do but she didn't see a problem of him refusing this request.
So she left and than returned shortly after and said "the dr wants to have a face to face conversation with you but for now he wants you to go and get the pre-op stuff done anyways".
So we did and that took a whole half hour (blood work and an EKG).
At a little after 1 we came back up the dr's office and sat around for awhile. Waiting to meet and talk with the dr.
Well at around 215 or so the receptionsist says the dr may be awhile cause he went to deliver a baby..... well I asked if we can schedule to see him Monday or tomorrow. And sat back down in my seat.
Soon enough the dr came back up from delivery and we were escorted to the room.
Than the dr came in and we talked about how he wasn't comfortable with doing anything until I was comfortable, they weren't there to pressure me to do this if I didn't feel it was right yet.
He looked over my records and said "you're levels early on were 12" and I said "yep". and he jokingly said "wow the sheets were still warm when you got that blood test"..... LOL! And we all just went "must have".
Well long story short he said the blood work wouldn't show anything definitive cause the #s wouldn't be doubling. So instead he just wants me to get an u/s. He said there's no harm in doing this. And if it'll settle my mind and whatnot he has no problem with doing this...... which is great relief to know!! Much different tune that the female dr that was kind of pushing our minds one way! :)
He originally verbally told me to get one done on Thursday but his nurse called and said they scheduled it for Monday!
So we'll see more and know more on Monday afternoon! At which point I will update more.
Thank you for the extra push to get me thinking straighter ....... haha. I think this way we'll know 100% of what is going on and not be standing at a 90%. That extra 10% will make a huge difference.
Well guess that's it! Guess we wait, pray and hope that Buttercup pulls through for us Monday and we see more and find out more!! :)
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Did you really just say that?
So today I was IMing with a friend's sister. The same person who I had stopped talking to after Jayden's loss because she compared DHS taking her kids to me loosing Jayden... (by FAR no comparison!!).
Well anyways today she IMed and to ask how my u/s and appt went.... before I posted my blog on myspace.
Well shortly after she IMed me back and said how "sorry she was and she knew how I was feeling cause she had losses in the 2nd month and 4th month" so I let her talk.... WRONG IDEA!! This woman should not be allowed to speak EVER!!!!
So we are talking and she says "I know surrogates are expensive, so if you want I will carry the baby for you" and proceeds with "I did it for another friend 7 years ago and we did it as adoption and it was perfectly legal".
So I told her "I'm not battling infertility so that's not an option for us, we'll wait and see what Gd has planned for us and follow His will".
And she had the nerve to say "well if that's what you want!"..........
UMMM EXCUSE ME!!! But it's my body, my baby, and my life....... who are you to get all up in my business like that....
I mean I understand I make my life "public" on myspace and here but still come on...... to be ignorant enough to mention that and than when I give you a reasonable explanantion you pitch an attitude with me?? Are you freaking serious???
Ugh! There needs to be a seperate island where stupid people are dumped onto!! LOL!!
I'm sure it would be an overpopulated island though haha!
Alright well I'm done ranting!!
Well anyways today she IMed and to ask how my u/s and appt went.... before I posted my blog on myspace.
Well shortly after she IMed me back and said how "sorry she was and she knew how I was feeling cause she had losses in the 2nd month and 4th month" so I let her talk.... WRONG IDEA!! This woman should not be allowed to speak EVER!!!!
So we are talking and she says "I know surrogates are expensive, so if you want I will carry the baby for you" and proceeds with "I did it for another friend 7 years ago and we did it as adoption and it was perfectly legal".
So I told her "I'm not battling infertility so that's not an option for us, we'll wait and see what Gd has planned for us and follow His will".
And she had the nerve to say "well if that's what you want!"..........
UMMM EXCUSE ME!!! But it's my body, my baby, and my life....... who are you to get all up in my business like that....
I mean I understand I make my life "public" on myspace and here but still come on...... to be ignorant enough to mention that and than when I give you a reasonable explanantion you pitch an attitude with me?? Are you freaking serious???
Ugh! There needs to be a seperate island where stupid people are dumped onto!! LOL!!
I'm sure it would be an overpopulated island though haha!
Alright well I'm done ranting!!
Not so good news :(
So today was my follow up u/s. I went in with a full bladder as required and we waited there for about a half hour.
Finally we were ushered back to the u/s room and the tech began doing what she needed to do. And asked if I had another u/s done elsewhere and I told her St Joes Peri center. And she began looking around.... and I had mentioned to her that the baby was measuring at 3mm as of last Wendesday.
She continued looking and she confirmed what I thought was happening and what had been seen last week. A 3mm fetal pole with no hb. :(
The Radiologist came in and confirmed it as well.
Well.. following the u/s I had my dr's appt. And getting there was painful.. the tears began and I was just a mess.
I finally got to go back into one of the rooms and the nurse took my bp- I didn't catch what it was today but I assume it had to be up there with last weeks.
After some time the dr came in and we discussed things ....... mainly the fact that if there hasn't been change yet there probably won't be. And I agreed....... I've had that thought in my head the entire ride to the dr's. So it was just confirmation from the dr.
We decided the best way, the less emotional way for us to deal with this is to get a D&C done. So I am scheduled for one at 230 pm tomorrow......
And the game plan for after this is that I'll meet with an endocronologist and discuss my diabetes treatment, be put on some sort of birth control. Personally speaking I want to get my weight as well as DH's weight under control before we consider TTC again.
So here we are at the beginning of the end.
I am sad , we both are but this is part of God's plan I'm sure! If God didn't think we could handle another loss HE wouldn't have us going through this again.
So thank you to everyone whos been there supporting, praying and sending us positive thoughts! We greatly appreciate them all! And please if I can ask for continued prayers while we take this and heal from this in the days, weeks, months to come........ Thank you!!
~~Jayden please be gentle with your baby brother or sister! And buttercup know that we love you as much as we love your big brother, we'll miss you and sorry we didn't get the chance to meet you~~
Finally we were ushered back to the u/s room and the tech began doing what she needed to do. And asked if I had another u/s done elsewhere and I told her St Joes Peri center. And she began looking around.... and I had mentioned to her that the baby was measuring at 3mm as of last Wendesday.
She continued looking and she confirmed what I thought was happening and what had been seen last week. A 3mm fetal pole with no hb. :(
The Radiologist came in and confirmed it as well.
Well.. following the u/s I had my dr's appt. And getting there was painful.. the tears began and I was just a mess.
I finally got to go back into one of the rooms and the nurse took my bp- I didn't catch what it was today but I assume it had to be up there with last weeks.
After some time the dr came in and we discussed things ....... mainly the fact that if there hasn't been change yet there probably won't be. And I agreed....... I've had that thought in my head the entire ride to the dr's. So it was just confirmation from the dr.
We decided the best way, the less emotional way for us to deal with this is to get a D&C done. So I am scheduled for one at 230 pm tomorrow......
And the game plan for after this is that I'll meet with an endocronologist and discuss my diabetes treatment, be put on some sort of birth control. Personally speaking I want to get my weight as well as DH's weight under control before we consider TTC again.
So here we are at the beginning of the end.
I am sad , we both are but this is part of God's plan I'm sure! If God didn't think we could handle another loss HE wouldn't have us going through this again.
So thank you to everyone whos been there supporting, praying and sending us positive thoughts! We greatly appreciate them all! And please if I can ask for continued prayers while we take this and heal from this in the days, weeks, months to come........ Thank you!!
~~Jayden please be gentle with your baby brother or sister! And buttercup know that we love you as much as we love your big brother, we'll miss you and sorry we didn't get the chance to meet you~~
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
My fears for Buttercup!
My fears for our little "buttercup" are a wide range!
For starters my greatest fear is that tomorrow's u/s will show the worst case scenerio in my life and that is another loss. A loss before life even began for this lil one.
It's not all that uncommon for the hCg levels to rise and there be no hb.... so that is my fear right now.
And if we get past this fear, my second fear is the cerclage. What if that fails? What if my body fails to accept it and I still end up loosing "buttercup" in the 2nd trimester? It's not all that uncommon either!
And if we get past those two fears , my third fear is that we may end up having a stillbirth! And I don't know if I can handle that either. For the simple fact that my body's done what I think it needs to and still fails to deliver a healthy happy baby in the end. It's known to have happened to many women! and whose to say that I am immuned to this? Nothing!
The seond to last of fears for "buttercup" is what if we get past all these fears and yet there lies another one! SIDS!!! What if I'm not careful , or someone whos watching "buttercup" isn't paying 100% attention and my baby passes away due to SIDS?? Again that's not uncommon either...... it'll ruled as unknown COD but it's still there! SIDS runs through all ages of infancy and even toddler age chidlren...... so what's to say that my baby won't be a "statistic".
And my GREATEST fear in life is SBS! What if someone caring for my "buttercup" ends up getting frustrated and shakes my baby? What if I end up shaking my baby? What if my baby is one of those who get colic and are unconsolable and one wrong move causes SBS? And they pass???? Than what?????
There are so many fears that lie around when you're pregnant, giving birth, after birth that no one thing has an answer.
Any of these can happen and I guess as humans we can't stop it from happening, all we can truly do is HAVE faith and pray that GOD knows what he is doing and pray that your plans and God's plans coincide for the most part, right?
HIS WILL BE DONE!! Right??? Not our will be done.
We can look to HIM for guidance and ask that things will turn out great but if he has other plans for us and our lives I guess there's not much we can do to change God's mind.
Brings me back to the saying..........
FAITH OVER FEAR!!!!!!! some days that's the only way to survive this!!
For starters my greatest fear is that tomorrow's u/s will show the worst case scenerio in my life and that is another loss. A loss before life even began for this lil one.
It's not all that uncommon for the hCg levels to rise and there be no hb.... so that is my fear right now.
And if we get past this fear, my second fear is the cerclage. What if that fails? What if my body fails to accept it and I still end up loosing "buttercup" in the 2nd trimester? It's not all that uncommon either!
And if we get past those two fears , my third fear is that we may end up having a stillbirth! And I don't know if I can handle that either. For the simple fact that my body's done what I think it needs to and still fails to deliver a healthy happy baby in the end. It's known to have happened to many women! and whose to say that I am immuned to this? Nothing!
The seond to last of fears for "buttercup" is what if we get past all these fears and yet there lies another one! SIDS!!! What if I'm not careful , or someone whos watching "buttercup" isn't paying 100% attention and my baby passes away due to SIDS?? Again that's not uncommon either...... it'll ruled as unknown COD but it's still there! SIDS runs through all ages of infancy and even toddler age chidlren...... so what's to say that my baby won't be a "statistic".
And my GREATEST fear in life is SBS! What if someone caring for my "buttercup" ends up getting frustrated and shakes my baby? What if I end up shaking my baby? What if my baby is one of those who get colic and are unconsolable and one wrong move causes SBS? And they pass???? Than what?????
There are so many fears that lie around when you're pregnant, giving birth, after birth that no one thing has an answer.
Any of these can happen and I guess as humans we can't stop it from happening, all we can truly do is HAVE faith and pray that GOD knows what he is doing and pray that your plans and God's plans coincide for the most part, right?
HIS WILL BE DONE!! Right??? Not our will be done.
We can look to HIM for guidance and ask that things will turn out great but if he has other plans for us and our lives I guess there's not much we can do to change God's mind.
Brings me back to the saying..........
FAITH OVER FEAR!!!!!!! some days that's the only way to survive this!!
To my avid followers :) Sorry for the delayed update!
Sorry to those who are following close to my updates and blogs for an absent blog this week!
So as you all know I had my blood re drawn on Saturday morning. Not a quite 48 hour wait in between the two draws. But the good news is there is an increase.
Thursday they were 39,648 and
Saturday they were well in the 49,000s *not sure of the exact cause I didn't quite catch what the nurse said*.
Now because of the draws not being 48 hours apart my numbers may have been in the "doubling" mode or as we all speculate they may be at a point where they don't double quite as often! Which is perfectly fine because I'm interested in the numbers increasing not decreasing!!
So I have a follow up u/s tomorrow morning at 930 and than my dr's appt after that at 11. So my next update won't be up til around after 1pm.
Thank you to those who have and who are continuing to keep buttercup and I in your daily prayers and thoughts!! We are very much appreciative :)
So as you all know I had my blood re drawn on Saturday morning. Not a quite 48 hour wait in between the two draws. But the good news is there is an increase.
Thursday they were 39,648 and
Saturday they were well in the 49,000s *not sure of the exact cause I didn't quite catch what the nurse said*.
Now because of the draws not being 48 hours apart my numbers may have been in the "doubling" mode or as we all speculate they may be at a point where they don't double quite as often! Which is perfectly fine because I'm interested in the numbers increasing not decreasing!!
So I have a follow up u/s tomorrow morning at 930 and than my dr's appt after that at 11. So my next update won't be up til around after 1pm.
Thank you to those who have and who are continuing to keep buttercup and I in your daily prayers and thoughts!! We are very much appreciative :)
Friday, March 6, 2009
So ......
After my St Joseph's perinatal center scare on Tuesday. I went and saw the dr yesterday and we talked about things. I brought along my calendar to show him that I had the HSG on Jan 16 (even though he should and does know this)... and told him of the discharge I had on the 20th and 21st of Jan.
So by all means of my calculations I am barely 6 weeks along.
Of course he said he can't say yes or no to or even agree or disagree with the Peri on what the outcome would be since he hadn't recieved the report from them.
So anyways much to me asking and such he obliged to have a repeat u/s done in a week this time with AR and not St Joes! I refuse to go somewhere where ppl have poor bedside manner anymore!!! (I have to schedule that appt soon too)........
And he wrote up 2 reqs for blood draws. One was done yesterday and one to be done on Saturday. 48 hours apart but the lab closes at noon on Saturdays so it'll be earlier so it won't be a full 48 hour difference which I guess is okay... they just want to see the numbers.
Well I just called them and left a message. The nurse called back and said my numbers definite rose but since my last beta draw was 2/17 we can't make a definite comparison. So as of yesterday the number is 39,648.
So on we go to tomorrow's beta draw and waiting the weekend for the results from that!
So looks like "buttercup" is still hanging on strong! And see being obsessed isn't always a bad thing! You get things done and get people to do things :)
Contined prayers and positive thoughts are welcmed until "buttercp" makes his/her entrance into the world in Oct!
Thanks!
So by all means of my calculations I am barely 6 weeks along.
Of course he said he can't say yes or no to or even agree or disagree with the Peri on what the outcome would be since he hadn't recieved the report from them.
So anyways much to me asking and such he obliged to have a repeat u/s done in a week this time with AR and not St Joes! I refuse to go somewhere where ppl have poor bedside manner anymore!!! (I have to schedule that appt soon too)........
And he wrote up 2 reqs for blood draws. One was done yesterday and one to be done on Saturday. 48 hours apart but the lab closes at noon on Saturdays so it'll be earlier so it won't be a full 48 hour difference which I guess is okay... they just want to see the numbers.
Well I just called them and left a message. The nurse called back and said my numbers definite rose but since my last beta draw was 2/17 we can't make a definite comparison. So as of yesterday the number is 39,648.
So on we go to tomorrow's beta draw and waiting the weekend for the results from that!
So looks like "buttercup" is still hanging on strong! And see being obsessed isn't always a bad thing! You get things done and get people to do things :)
Contined prayers and positive thoughts are welcmed until "buttercp" makes his/her entrance into the world in Oct!
Thanks!
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