I don't know what it is!

But for the last 2 weeks or so I can only sleep about 2-4 hours a night! Call it anxiety , or nerves or just fear of the nightmares that haunt me every now and than.

With Jayden I was so exhausted all the time I could fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night! But than again I don't think I had as many fears or worries with Jayden as I do with this lil one! Maybe because with "buttercup" I know the truth behind the possibilities of what could happen and may happen...... not to sound negative- just being realistic.

My prayer each night is that I go to bed pregnant and wake up that way in the morning. And I pray that Jayden watch over his baby brother or sister. And I make sure to tell both of my babies (in heaven and in my tummy) that I love them because I feel as if I didn't tell Jayden that enough!

So again, tonight I am up again for about the millionth time.
My only hope and prayer is that after my u/s on wednesday that I can get some "rest" and put my mind at ease.

Well here's to another sleepless night in Essex LOL! And some web browsing and possibly laying back down.

2nd OB/MW appt

We left the house around 430 anticipationg traffic. My appt was at 530! We waited around what seemed forever! And finally were asked to come back and for me to get weighed (150lbs) and than taken to the exam room and my blood pressure was taken (110/78). And than we waited again Finally the dr came in and we started talking. He asked about my blood sugars and I told him. Than I mentioned about the cerclage being an option- the dr stated that that is a strong possibilty and he has no problem with it.. he just has to sit with the other drs of the practice and discuss my file along with ALL the other high risk pregnancies in the office! Than he started his rant (I say rant because neither John or I agree with this) about genetic testing. He said he would like for us to have 1st tri testing done before the cerclage just so we don't make a decision to do the cerclage and changed our minds following the testing (sounded to me like he was saying if downs or trisomies may be present we could abort/terminate- that is what we are NOT going for). We told him regardless of tests and such we wouldn't change the outcome of the birth of our baby. And he "seemed" to respect that idea and decision. (I say "seemed" cause he didn't seem convinced and looked as if we didn't know what we were thinking or talking about). I told him we made the decision not to test with Jayden so we would follow that and not test with this baby either. Than he talked about a menginoele with Jayden and I said "well the hospital photographer and nurse said there was a problem on his spine and 'suspected' spina bifida but we never had an autopsy performed to say yey or ney". My personal opinion because of my irregular periods I don't feel like I was a full 21w3d when I lost Jayden... and I feel like his spine hadn't closed all the way, there was NOTHING wrong with our son! He was the perfect of perfect babies..... and I'm not saying that cause he is our son. Anyways we discussed what needed to be discussed! Nothing less and nothing more for now! My appt s will be weekly because of my diabetes , he wants to see my levels each which to tweek my insulin with each week to each trimester! So yay for that! I asked about an ultrasound and the dr feels like the Peri is the best place to go to have them done. He doesn't seem to trust the regular ultrasound places lol.... so our first u/s is on Wednesday. He wouldn't do a doppler to check the heartbeat because he feels it is too early now for one. So we wait and wait again for about another week :( Sad but okay with it I guess LOL! Well that's it I guess! I'll probably update again after the ultrasound but again the appts will be updated per request :) Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement. And definitely for the continued prayers and positive thoughts!

Today's appt - 2/24

Well we met with the midwife today! She went over our history, our loss of Jayden and other issues I am concerned about. I was given blood work req for fasting glucose and A1c and for some reason HIV (apparently ir's routine now). And she gave me paperwork for an u/s to be performed by a perinatologist. So I have an appt at the hospital next wed at 215 to meet with a Peri and have an u/s! So we'll get to see Peanut on that screen for the first time- unless I can get my dr to order one on Thursday!I have to go see my OB on Thurs at 530! So we can work out a plan of action and a way that we can "prevent" another loss.... which is a relief but the thought that we are planning this scares me..... As of now my EDD is Oct 1st which I told the mw was wrong cause I can't go along with my LMP , seeing how they are not the normal 28 day cycles, not even 32 day cycles..... so we'll figure it out on u/s! My guess for my EDD is between Oct 13 and Oct 18 so anything goes for now! LOL! It's nice to finally be taken seriously and have a course of action in place.... but at the same time I wish I could be "ignorant" and "blissful" and be "over the moon" about things- and not fear that one lousy cramp could be the end or one day of no sore breasts be the end? KWIM? As the midwife told us.. it's those "pregnancy symptoms" that we women look for just so we are SURE that this is going to happen. And that's why when one of those symptoms desipate or go missing for more than a day or so we freak out! and it's normal!! Normal , not crazy or not something to be taken lightly but know that these are valid points and we as PAL mommies to be we need that reassurance from a sore breast, queasiness, aversions to smells, and all the other symptoms that some "non PAL mommies" take for granted. I guess you have to step into the shoes of a PAL mommy to know what we fear and what we enjoy as a "normal" pregnancy now. I am more than grateful for the group of dr's and mw's I will be dealing with through this pregnnacy! I'm glad I have them , those who understand my fears and concerns and are willing to take every step to ensure that this lil Peanut and I are safe! And that makes us all feel 50% better! We'll be 100% when we have the new lil bundle of joy in our arms come Oct!Well guess that's all for tonight! ..

For our new little one!

Hello little one!
It's mommy! You're a pretty awesome little one already! You've proven that through some obsession and faith that a miracle can happen.
You have a big brother in Heaven watching over you so that makes you a pretty lucky little bean :)
I just wanted to tell you that this may have been a short or long journey coming but either way we are in so much love with you already!
We finished up big brother's nursery for you. I'm sorry big brother isn't here to watch you grow but he'll have a hand in keeping you safe through you life's journey as you grow older.
Mommy may be excessive with her "I love yous" but please understand that I do love you as much as I love your big brother Jayden :)
You two are mommy and daddy's world right now! So until it's time for you to come out and meet us , grow baby grow !!!
And we'll see you in October sometime :)
With lots of love and hugs!!
xoxoxoxoxmommyxoxoxox

For big brother Jayden

Hello Jayden!
It's mommy :) I wanted to say Congrats! You're gonna be a big brother. As if you didn't already know this. Mommy and daddy are so very blessed to have a sweet angel watching over us.
And your little brother or sister is the luckiest little kid to have a guardian angel. Not many kids can say that you know?
Not a day goes by that we don't miss you and want you in our arms! Please know that the new baby is not here to replace you. You are and always will be our little soldier and our first love as mommy and daddy!
Do mommy and daddy a favor and watch over your baby brother or sister the best that you can :)
We love you and miss you little man!

Sending up some hugs and kisses!
xoxoxoxoxmommyxoxoxoxox

Bursting at the seams!!!

Okay so I'm going nuts!

I want to know how far along I am!
I want to know whether there is a heartbeat yet!
I want to know when my due date is!
I want to know all these for my peace of mind

But nost of all......
I want to know so I can start telling family. I'm bursting at the seams to tell but I am worried that something will happen from now and than and will have to recant my joyous annoucement with sadness or uncertainty again.

I just want an ultrasound! I can't believe I have to wait til after my first appt to get one :( I just really am growing impatient!


On another note,
WE went and splurged on 2 additional baby items. An outfit gift set from target and a Winnie the Pooh cribbing set from WalMart.
I keep telling myself "hope I'm not jinxing things". And "God wouldn't be so cruel to me twice in an year?".

I am being hopefuly and prayful !! I hate the sense and feeling of PAL brain! It's really hard to keep "positive" when you know the inevitable can happen because it has happened once before.
I feel like if I can get an early enough ultrasound before my first appt, I can be more at ease but what dr would order an u/s without an appt? Even if it's for my peace of mind? And plus my appt is on Tuesday so I think I can wait!

I sound so crazy I know! But that's how PAL brain works at times I guess! And this is just the beginning of things.... I can only imagine how things will be as things progress!

AHHH!!!! The insanity has started, continues and will continue!

Continuation

So I just called the nurse at th dr's office, of course I ended up leaving a message. She just called back about 5 mins ago and the verdict is.......

My numbers are 3916!! So that's a definite increase!!

Just an overview my number on 2/5 = 12 and my second on 2/12 = 376.

So keep those prayers coming!!! Looks good so far!!

Thanks! Update more later I guess :)

To be continued.......

I called the dr's office this morning.
I had been experiencing some light cramping. And I was nervous about my levels anyways.
So I called the dr and left a message on the nurse line, she called me back a couple hours later and she sent the requisition for the blood work.

So today at 3pm I had my beta levels drawn again, I won't have results for the atleast 24 to 48 hours.

So this post will be contined after I find out more information!

Obsession!

So I catch myself awake every night wondering if my hCg levels are rising! This is my newest obsession. I thought that the obsession would end after I got the "positive" tests but I was wrong.
All I can think of is "how do I search and see if my numbers doubled and doubling?", or "I wonder if I can call for a beta draw again?", or "am I driving myself, driving my husband crazy with my nuttiness?".

I just want to know that all is going well with the pregnancy. I want to know this because I don't want to go through another loss....... not in the first, second, or third trimester... or even after birth!! All I want is a healthy happy baby to come home with us!!

I have very little symptims. So I can't be assured that things are okay when I don't have symptoms such as hugging the toilet bowl......
All I have are cravings, late night ones when the hubby is not here go get them for me :(

All I want is for the 24th to hurry and come!! So that I can see the dr and get confirmation that all is going well... and have another beta draw!! AHHHH the obsession is killing me and stressing me out!!!

Oh well. Guess I'll go back to reading my book and see if I can find some ease and comfort from it!

Well this is the update for today!

Fears and Worries!!

I have to say I am scared of being pregnant!
I fear that I won't make it full term. I fear that if I do go full term it may end up in a still birth, or in a SIDs passing of my baby.

Every little twinge I feel as if something will go wrong, with each day I feel "fine" I think "omg, I'm not pregnant". Even sitting here tonight typing this I feel cramps and wonder "is it over?", "am I gonna look and see that it's all ending?".

There is no way of relaxing through a pregnancy after loss. I don't know how other women go and do it not once but twice and can contain themselves!

I feel so crazy when I sit here and worry. I wish I could go back in time when I was so ignorant to all of the "bad" things that could happen and just think "hey! a positive test, I'm pregnant!!! let's go shopping for baby things". Instead I walk through stores and wonder "when will I get to buy that outfit for my baby?", or "when can I buy a carseat?".... all in fear that if I buy anything permaant it may all end and I'll be left empty once more.

Today though I invested in a book called "Pregnancy After Loss". I hope that the book will put my heart, mind at ease and let this be a great journey! We also bought a musical mobile and a hamper for the new little bean. I hope by doing this I hope I don't jinx anything and that in 9mons that we'll bring our new bundle of joy home to stay!

I guess fear and worries are normal and natural part of being pregnant after loss! One day soon I pray that God will settle my heart and mind! with the help of my new book!


FAITH OVER FEAR!!!

Update 2/13

So today was a good day! My sister came for a visit last night and stayed with us til about noon today.
This morning I called the dr's office around 1030 to see if the results were available. The nurse told me she couldn't fnd any online yet, but would call the lab to see if they could get it rushed.

She than called about an hour or so later and told me that the levels had gone up. As of last Thursday 2/5 my level was 12, yesterday 2/12 my levels were at 367. Which is wonderful news.

Everyone I've talked to and everything I've searched online shows that that is an increase of hcg every 28 hours, approximately a 215% increase over the last week!!

So I am hopeful, prayful and excited!!

Oh and BTW, my first OB appt is on Tues 2/24.....at 245pm.


On a side note and kind of still related note,
The 24th landing on a Tuesday this month is a bittersweet moment, it is the exact same day and date as 8 mons back when I began labor with Jayden.
And than on Wed 2/25 we wil be at the cemetary visiting our beautiful boy! We'll try and be there at 936 to 10am! The times that Jayden was alive and well in our arms :)


Please send any and all possible prayers our way as we start our new journey as we face parenthood once more but this time in hopes and prayer that in October/November we will bring home our healthy baby :)

Thank you :)

Update 2/12

I had the b/w done this morning, we left as soon as DH got home from work. The tech said it can take up to anywhere from 24-48 hours so I won't know anything til Monday at the latest!!

THIS IS GONNA DRIVE ME BONKERS!! so I guess laura and I will wait together to hear our numbers :) hehe!

So if I don't hear anything tomorrow , it's gonna be a LONGGGGGGGGGGG weekend and than when I do hear the results on Monday I will definitely hop on here and update!!

Til than... I'm gonna learn and teach myself patience LOL!

Wednesday 2/11

Today is day 2 that I have known that I am expecting.
Things are a bit scary at this point because I don't know what to expect from this pregnancy. I want to be so exicted but I have fears that over power the excitement.

A brief history....
My now husband John and I were expecting our first child last year, we found out through a HPT on Feb 25 that we would be parents. After several rough weeks of me having SCH (subchorionic hemorrhaging) it seemed like it was going to be forever before we met our baby.
On June 11 we found out that we would be expecting our first son, and we chose to name him Jayden Alexander. And we couldn't have been any more elated to find this out! We told everyone who was anyone that we were having our son!! He's due date would be Nov 2 2008.

But on the morning of Tuesday , June 24 my world came crashing down when I woke up to what I now know were early stages of labor. So from 7am til about 1030am I was in so much pain and going to the bathroom so uncomfortably I called my dr. Who advised me to drink a lot of fluids and relax (ha! easier said than done). And than it turned into them saying I should head to the nearest L&D. So I called John and said "I think we're loosing the baby". And he rushed home from wrok and drove me to the hospital as fast as he could. I didn't even bother correcting his driving as I usually would.
We arrived at the hosptail by 1115am. They did the paperwork to admit me, weighed me all while I was having contractions.
And in the exam room the dr came and examined me and said that I was fully dilated and there was no stopping the process of labor at that point anymore, both John and I cried and held each other knowing that we would and may loose our son.

Well we spent the night in the hospital. Nurses and dr's crowding my room every chance they got.

Well the morning of Wednesday June 25 @ 9am I started having labor pains again. So I asked fot he nurse and she came and checked me, told me I am crowning and the baby needed to be delivered!
John and I began crying again!
I started pushing around 914am and our son Jayden was born at 936am , his heart beat was at 74. He weighed in at 15.4oz and 11inches long.
He passed in my arms at 10am. 24mins of my life that I will forever cherish! 21w3d that I will always remember spending with my son.

We held him all day, he was in my room with us all day. Until around 8pm when we had to let him to the morgue.

That Friday June 27 is when we finally said our goodbyes. We laid Jayden to rest at the cemetary with his grandmom.


Fast forwarding..........
So we have been TTC again since September. And each month came disappointment with each negative HPT I took.

And well Christmas 08 was when I got my last cycle.
Scheduled for an HSG on the 16th of January.

I was awaiting AF to arrive and when she didn't for 2 weeks I called my dr and asked for blood work. Which was done on 2/5.
We left town on 2/6 for my birthday weekend with my folks and my sister.

On Monday 2/9 I recieved a call from the dr's office stating that my results came back and I am "just" positive and will need repeat bloodwork on 2/12.

And that's where we are now, today! We are waiting for tomorrow to come so I can get that blood work done again!

I took a HPT for my reassurance on 2/9 and 2/10. And both came back positive.

I have fears, apprehensions, and excitement all in one!

Fears that what happened with Jayden may happen to this little one, fears that I wish never existed. I wish I can go back in time when I was naive and ignorant to all of this!
I want to get excited! I want to go and splurge what money I have on baby things but I fear in doing so I may jinx myself and the baby. I know not very optimistic. But that's my life now as a PAL mom.
I feel like wanting to do all this stuff takes away from what I didn't get to do with Jayden and my pregnancy with him. I feel like I'm cheating my son out of what he should've gotten too!
I love Jayden with all my heart and I hope he knows that.

This new baby is no means of replacing him -- because he will forever be my first baby boy! my first love as a mother! He showed me the meaning of being a mother..... through the rough times and the happy times.

I love you little man!! I really do and I really miss you tons!! Please watch over mommy, daddy and your baby brother or sister :)

Well guess that's all for today! Or not... maybe I'll write more and in another entry later on but for now this will do!