Coult it be?

Is it me? It it that I can't get my sugars under control and that's why I've lost my son and now buttercup?The dr thinks that maybe it's my sugars.. in fact he said "when we get the sugar thing under control we can avoid all of this". Is he right??? Will that solve my problems? I know with Jayden it was PTL/IC...... and now the dr thinks it's my diabetes that caused the loss of Buttercup..... is that a possibility?Why is that diabetic mothers who refuse treatment and refuse prenatal care get to have their full term babies but not me? Yea their babies spend time in the NICU but they get to go home. But me, I have to sit here and wait to try again! Well damnit I don't feel like I want to try again. I should have my son, and if God willing and no medical intervention was taken and I got pregnant than I should be 14 weeks pregnant with Buttercup! But instead here I am empty! once again...I'm afraid to TTC again... it looks like we'll be waiting 5-6 months to actively try again but I am afraid.... what ifs run through my mind again. I wonder how women who go through so many more than 2 losses get back into trying and keep their strength and faith together til the end! Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel and not bother with any of this..... as bad as I want to be a mom , I'm not sure I can handle the uncertainty that coems with the TTC journey.I know I'm way ahead of myself but these are things I have to think about, isn't it? Don't I have the write to be concerned..... for my self being, my mental state, my psyche?Yeah I may change my tune later down the road but for now I feel empty and I feel like a failure.... failure to make my husband a father, failure to make my parents- John's parents the grandparents, and failure to make myself a mother to a liveborn baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my angels.... I always will but sometimes I wonder what I did that was so freaking wrong that I had to loose my babies and than those who could care less about their body, their babies to go get prenatal care end up with healthy happy babies in the end? I know I sound repetitive and redundant but I have to ask myself over and over again! and hope that someone can give me an answer that isn't "God's will" or "You're young don't worry it'll happen for you". And honestly I am not that young, I'm 28.... and chances of me concieving and carrying a baby after 30 has it's own challenges and risks...... Some days are easier to get by than others but not so much today or yesterday for that matter. I'm looking for brighter days but will those days ever come to my favor? Anyways here's to us waiting up to 6 months to try again... hope the time goes by quickly... I'll be looking into classes again whenever they call me with a schedule and getting into work and whatever else so maybe those are distractions I need to get by these next several months. Sorry for the rant that may or may not make sense...... thanks for reading!

Thank You!

Thank you all those who have shown, and are continuing to show us support and encourage us each step of the way.
This is one journey I never pictured myself walking down within an year of loosing Jayden. But since I find myself here it's been hard, trying, and sometimes gives me the feelings of wanting to give up.

But I say thank you because without the constant support and care shown I don't think I would've made it this far.

Thank for not being judegemental or pushing your views on me. And letting me do this the way I want to. I wish I didn't have to choose this route or have been given this card but I guess it's one more that'll make me a stronger person. A better mom to my children. And a better wife to my husband.

I guess this is my public thank you because I am not sure how to thank each of you indivdually and that may take a long time to do.......

So from our family to yours , from our hearts to yours....... THANK YOU!!!

Well guess.........

There is no hope now. There's no reason to think anything will change now.

This morning we went to the ER because I have been battling a cough for almost 3/4 weeks. And well they drew blood and a chest xray.
All came back okay, showed I have an atypical pneumonia but that's okay..... I can take antibiotics for that.

The part that I am not sure if I can heal from as quickly is the news that my hCg levels have dropped. As of 2 saturdays ago they were well int eh 49,000s and today they were down to 32,104. So looks like in the next few weeks I'll be going through the process of miscarriage as so many women before me.
I'm not sure if there is medicine to heal a broken heart, the heart of a mother.

All I wanted is to have my baby Jayden here...... right now all I can think of how can I be mourning the loss of "buttercup" when in fact I should be having my arms full in diapers and toys and baby stuff for a 5 month old, instead here I sit slowly miscarrying my baby. A baby I will never get to meet and see what s/he looks like. I'll never know if s/he has my facial features or daddy's big feet like big brother Jayden did.

And I have to sit and wait several more months now before we can TTC again. I hate the tought of TTC. Like I said we should be so knee high deep in baby stuff and busy taking our newborn / infant to dr's appts and going out to the park. Instead we have to wait!!

I noticed one thing though, I know I've heard it many times after loosing Jayden but I'm hearing it again..... that phrase "you're young, you can have more" or "God has his reasons"........ well honestly I am fed up with those sayings....... if you don't have anything encouraging or supportive to say don't talk to me...... cause I hate hearing the same old lines. It gets old after awhile.......
What if your dog died and I said "well you can go buy another one"...... would you be as upset? Probably if you had that dog in your life for all it's life.... or even just enough time to get attached.

I've become more bitter towards the world, towards God during this. All that praying and having faith and believing God has answered our prayers...... well I'm finding it all BS!!! Maybe one day, some day I will recant my statement but for now- this moment in time....... yeah I have no faith in God...... He took away 2 precious children away from me. And my faith has been tested far enough in the last year.

And if this post offends some people than well I can't say I'm sorry- I refuse to apologize for expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I know!

I know I said I'd wait this out and let God take control...... but!

I want to throw in the towel!!
I feel so emotionally drained and I don't want to fight this anymore.... I want it over :( I hate the idea that I am giving up on Buttercup but I can't do it anymore!!

All I see are news of new pregnancies and it hurts me sooo freakin bad to know that I lost my chance once again!! I thought this would be my turn..... and I could bring my baby home this year but again I get cheated!!!

I give up!! I'm tired of pretending to be strong and acting like everything is okay.

My heart aches, my emotions get the best of me more often than not. And I get snappy with the wrong people....

I'm not a strong person!!!

I know there are women who have gone through more than I have and are still strong! So I feel like a damper for wanting to give up and be miserable.

Anyways I just wanted to vent.... no offense to the angel mommies who are reading- I am happy for you all because ya'll deserve this :)

The Will of God!

So today was my follow up u/s.
To say the least my need for reassurance any farther seems diminishing. My will power to hold on and hope that things "may" change have taken a total detour to just wanting this "over and moving on to healing". Not feeling optimistic because after 3 u/s all revealing the same....... well chances that things are changing are slim.
Sorry if I sound like a downer.
Tomorrow I will talk to the dr about how long he is willing to let me wait for a natural miscarriage before he feels it is necessary for the medicine. I think that is the farthest I will go.... I won't opt for the d&c. I will wait it out and let God do what he needs until it's medically needed for dr's to use medicine....... if that makes sense?
So sorry to say but doesn't look like buttercup is making it...I don't want to add hope to where hope is no longer an option..... just because this has been emotional as it is for me and for DH and everyone involved. I don't think ppl can handle my moodiness and pissiness anymore than I can.
So needless to say I guess I am saying good by this journey. Maybe in fall / winter we will TTC again,... until then we will stick to the plan of getting in shape and getting health taken care of. And by God's grace we'll concieve again and have a liveborn baby to bring home!
So here's to a 2010 baby!

Dreams

I am awake because I had a dream. One that I'm not sure I can shake off as easily as the ones that would have no meaning.

In the dream we went for our u/s on Monday and sure enough we saw a growth in the baby and we got to see a hb... a strong one in the 150s!

Tell me that I'm not just having this dream because I want this so badly to go the way I envisioned when I got my BFP that I'm willing to let my psyche play these games.

I've been praying like I've never prayed before the last couple nights when it's just me and buttercup left. I prayed that God will show us a miracle come Monday. Maybe that's why I had this dream? Or I've even come to believe that God gives us our answers in our dreams. Is that possible? I guess it could be afterall we are talking about the almighty Father!


I just don't want to be setting myself up for a HUGE painful fall come Monday but than I don't want to NOT have hope or faith in this.
And all I can do is read everything on www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com nightly! Just so maybe I can compare to others' stories and find comfort and maybe hope.


Is there such a thing as being TOO optimistic?

Someone please tell me I'm not a total crazy minded pregnant woman! And tell me what I am feeling is all "motherly instincts".
Or just slap me and bring me back into the reality of things....... something!


Well guess that's it for my rambling..... thanks for reading!

Call me a chicken or just call me OPTIMISTIC!!! But......

I am still pregnant! Until the fat lady sings I am NOT out of this yet!!
Anyways, today was suppose to be the day I get my DnC. But after much arguing with myself over night and reading blogs and reading websites we opted against the DnC for now.
We arrived at the hospital as scheduled at 1230. I went and spoke to the receptionist and told her that I was having "second thoughts" and being a "doubting Thomas" And she immediately said "I know you're not doubting yourself, you're being OPTIMISTIC and there's nothing wrong with that!".....
That made me smile. To know that an unbias party was telling me this.
So I went back and sat down with the nurse shortly after and I told her I wanted some blood work and another u/s done before we make this "final". I told her "I don't want to look back at the what ifs in life later on".
She said she'd go talk to the dr and see what he wanted to do but she didn't see a problem of him refusing this request.
So she left and than returned shortly after and said "the dr wants to have a face to face conversation with you but for now he wants you to go and get the pre-op stuff done anyways".
So we did and that took a whole half hour (blood work and an EKG).

At a little after 1 we came back up the dr's office and sat around for awhile. Waiting to meet and talk with the dr.
Well at around 215 or so the receptionsist says the dr may be awhile cause he went to deliver a baby..... well I asked if we can schedule to see him Monday or tomorrow. And sat back down in my seat.
Soon enough the dr came back up from delivery and we were escorted to the room.
Than the dr came in and we talked about how he wasn't comfortable with doing anything until I was comfortable, they weren't there to pressure me to do this if I didn't feel it was right yet.
He looked over my records and said "you're levels early on were 12" and I said "yep". and he jokingly said "wow the sheets were still warm when you got that blood test"..... LOL! And we all just went "must have".
Well long story short he said the blood work wouldn't show anything definitive cause the #s wouldn't be doubling. So instead he just wants me to get an u/s. He said there's no harm in doing this. And if it'll settle my mind and whatnot he has no problem with doing this...... which is great relief to know!! Much different tune that the female dr that was kind of pushing our minds one way! :)
He originally verbally told me to get one done on Thursday but his nurse called and said they scheduled it for Monday!
So we'll see more and know more on Monday afternoon! At which point I will update more.

Thank you for the extra push to get me thinking straighter ....... haha. I think this way we'll know 100% of what is going on and not be standing at a 90%. That extra 10% will make a huge difference.
Well guess that's it! Guess we wait, pray and hope that Buttercup pulls through for us Monday and we see more and find out more!! :)

Did you really just say that?

So today I was IMing with a friend's sister. The same person who I had stopped talking to after Jayden's loss because she compared DHS taking her kids to me loosing Jayden... (by FAR no comparison!!).

Well anyways today she IMed and to ask how my u/s and appt went.... before I posted my blog on myspace.

Well shortly after she IMed me back and said how "sorry she was and she knew how I was feeling cause she had losses in the 2nd month and 4th month" so I let her talk.... WRONG IDEA!! This woman should not be allowed to speak EVER!!!!

So we are talking and she says "I know surrogates are expensive, so if you want I will carry the baby for you" and proceeds with "I did it for another friend 7 years ago and we did it as adoption and it was perfectly legal".
So I told her "I'm not battling infertility so that's not an option for us, we'll wait and see what Gd has planned for us and follow His will".
And she had the nerve to say "well if that's what you want!"..........

UMMM EXCUSE ME!!! But it's my body, my baby, and my life....... who are you to get all up in my business like that....
I mean I understand I make my life "public" on myspace and here but still come on...... to be ignorant enough to mention that and than when I give you a reasonable explanantion you pitch an attitude with me?? Are you freaking serious???

Ugh! There needs to be a seperate island where stupid people are dumped onto!! LOL!!
I'm sure it would be an overpopulated island though haha!

Alright well I'm done ranting!!

Not so good news :(

So today was my follow up u/s. I went in with a full bladder as required and we waited there for about a half hour.
Finally we were ushered back to the u/s room and the tech began doing what she needed to do. And asked if I had another u/s done elsewhere and I told her St Joes Peri center. And she began looking around.... and I had mentioned to her that the baby was measuring at 3mm as of last Wendesday.

She continued looking and she confirmed what I thought was happening and what had been seen last week. A 3mm fetal pole with no hb. :(

The Radiologist came in and confirmed it as well.

Well.. following the u/s I had my dr's appt. And getting there was painful.. the tears began and I was just a mess.

I finally got to go back into one of the rooms and the nurse took my bp- I didn't catch what it was today but I assume it had to be up there with last weeks.
After some time the dr came in and we discussed things ....... mainly the fact that if there hasn't been change yet there probably won't be. And I agreed....... I've had that thought in my head the entire ride to the dr's. So it was just confirmation from the dr.

We decided the best way, the less emotional way for us to deal with this is to get a D&C done. So I am scheduled for one at 230 pm tomorrow......

And the game plan for after this is that I'll meet with an endocronologist and discuss my diabetes treatment, be put on some sort of birth control. Personally speaking I want to get my weight as well as DH's weight under control before we consider TTC again.

So here we are at the beginning of the end.

I am sad , we both are but this is part of God's plan I'm sure! If God didn't think we could handle another loss HE wouldn't have us going through this again.

So thank you to everyone whos been there supporting, praying and sending us positive thoughts! We greatly appreciate them all! And please if I can ask for continued prayers while we take this and heal from this in the days, weeks, months to come........ Thank you!!


~~Jayden please be gentle with your baby brother or sister! And buttercup know that we love you as much as we love your big brother, we'll miss you and sorry we didn't get the chance to meet you~~

My fears for Buttercup!

My fears for our little "buttercup" are a wide range!

For starters my greatest fear is that tomorrow's u/s will show the worst case scenerio in my life and that is another loss. A loss before life even began for this lil one.
It's not all that uncommon for the hCg levels to rise and there be no hb.... so that is my fear right now.

And if we get past this fear, my second fear is the cerclage. What if that fails? What if my body fails to accept it and I still end up loosing "buttercup" in the 2nd trimester? It's not all that uncommon either!

And if we get past those two fears , my third fear is that we may end up having a stillbirth! And I don't know if I can handle that either. For the simple fact that my body's done what I think it needs to and still fails to deliver a healthy happy baby in the end. It's known to have happened to many women! and whose to say that I am immuned to this? Nothing!

The seond to last of fears for "buttercup" is what if we get past all these fears and yet there lies another one! SIDS!!! What if I'm not careful , or someone whos watching "buttercup" isn't paying 100% attention and my baby passes away due to SIDS?? Again that's not uncommon either...... it'll ruled as unknown COD but it's still there! SIDS runs through all ages of infancy and even toddler age chidlren...... so what's to say that my baby won't be a "statistic".

And my GREATEST fear in life is SBS! What if someone caring for my "buttercup" ends up getting frustrated and shakes my baby? What if I end up shaking my baby? What if my baby is one of those who get colic and are unconsolable and one wrong move causes SBS? And they pass???? Than what?????


There are so many fears that lie around when you're pregnant, giving birth, after birth that no one thing has an answer.
Any of these can happen and I guess as humans we can't stop it from happening, all we can truly do is HAVE faith and pray that GOD knows what he is doing and pray that your plans and God's plans coincide for the most part, right?

HIS WILL BE DONE!! Right??? Not our will be done.
We can look to HIM for guidance and ask that things will turn out great but if he has other plans for us and our lives I guess there's not much we can do to change God's mind.

Brings me back to the saying..........
FAITH OVER FEAR!!!!!!! some days that's the only way to survive this!!

To my avid followers :) Sorry for the delayed update!

Sorry to those who are following close to my updates and blogs for an absent blog this week!

So as you all know I had my blood re drawn on Saturday morning. Not a quite 48 hour wait in between the two draws. But the good news is there is an increase.

Thursday they were 39,648 and
Saturday they were well in the 49,000s *not sure of the exact cause I didn't quite catch what the nurse said*.
Now because of the draws not being 48 hours apart my numbers may have been in the "doubling" mode or as we all speculate they may be at a point where they don't double quite as often! Which is perfectly fine because I'm interested in the numbers increasing not decreasing!!

So I have a follow up u/s tomorrow morning at 930 and than my dr's appt after that at 11. So my next update won't be up til around after 1pm.

Thank you to those who have and who are continuing to keep buttercup and I in your daily prayers and thoughts!! We are very much appreciative :)

So ......

After my St Joseph's perinatal center scare on Tuesday. I went and saw the dr yesterday and we talked about things. I brought along my calendar to show him that I had the HSG on Jan 16 (even though he should and does know this)... and told him of the discharge I had on the 20th and 21st of Jan.
So by all means of my calculations I am barely 6 weeks along.
Of course he said he can't say yes or no to or even agree or disagree with the Peri on what the outcome would be since he hadn't recieved the report from them.

So anyways much to me asking and such he obliged to have a repeat u/s done in a week this time with AR and not St Joes! I refuse to go somewhere where ppl have poor bedside manner anymore!!! (I have to schedule that appt soon too)........
And he wrote up 2 reqs for blood draws. One was done yesterday and one to be done on Saturday. 48 hours apart but the lab closes at noon on Saturdays so it'll be earlier so it won't be a full 48 hour difference which I guess is okay... they just want to see the numbers.

Well I just called them and left a message. The nurse called back and said my numbers definite rose but since my last beta draw was 2/17 we can't make a definite comparison. So as of yesterday the number is 39,648.

So on we go to tomorrow's beta draw and waiting the weekend for the results from that!

So looks like "buttercup" is still hanging on strong! And see being obsessed isn't always a bad thing! You get things done and get people to do things :)

Contined prayers and positive thoughts are welcmed until "buttercp" makes his/her entrance into the world in Oct!

Thanks!

Our first u/s isn't what we had hoped for.......

Today was our first u/s. And needless to say we didn't the news we had hoped and prayed for. There was a visible gestational sac and fetal pole but it had no heartbeat. Both fetail pole and sac were measuring at 6 weeks. The u/s tech called it a "missed miscarriage" or "missed abortion". So I called my dr's office and they want me in tomorrow at 2pm to discuss another u/s in a week and possibly what else needs to be done from here.So far the u/s tech, my ob nurse, and the ob don't sound at all hopeful that is a viale pregnancy. We on the other hand want to think the "good" and pray that it is too early for a hearbeat. All I can think of is "I wish I knew when we heard Jayden's hb so we have something to compare it to"... but my mind skips over that for some reason and I can't think of it. All I can remember is it took us atleast 2-3 u/s to finally find his heartbeat... so I'm praying the same goes for "buttercup". So if I alongside my husband can ask for some contined "sticky" baby vibes and prayers we would be more than grateful and appreciative! Maybe when they say to hold off telling your loved ones and friends til the 2nd trimester , they aren't kidding! But when you've lost one baby already the next pregnancy is that much more reason to celebrate and I guess that's why we spread the word pretty quickly! We're being hopeful! Not all hope is lost til we see and find reason! :)