To hallmark from Heaven

To Hallmark, they brag that they have a card for everything.

Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too,no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried. I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

When knowledge becomes nervousness

So this past monday I recieved a called from the drs who re did my D&C over at FSH... they stated that they were concerned that I may still have "products of conception" left due to the pathology reports showing that the embryo had implanted deeper than that of a normal pregnancy. And needed me to get blood work. So Tuesday I went and had blood work done, waiting for the results were killer.... So today, I called the nurse and the she stated that my results came back and my hCg levels were 6. To my understanding the level would have to be under 5 in order for no pregnancy to be present. So I was alittle concerned. Than an hour ago, I had the dr paged and she called back. She said that 6 is a fine number meaning that the pregnancy has been "evacuated" and she was happy with that number. She advised me if we wanted to ttc again we need to wait one cycle.... and if we weren't going to to use some form of BC. She also stated that an endo would be good to have to follow future pregnancies. But far as diabetes now goes, I can just be followed by my primary care because she's been doing a fine job. Having the all clear and the knowledge I have of what can happen during pregnancies and after birth and such....... it scares me. I fear that my future pregnancies may end in loss and that I will never get a chance to be a mommy to an earthbound baby.... one that I can bring home after 40 weeks of carry them in my womb...... So many fears follow the current knowledge that I have. I've got apprehensions, uncertainty all lingering around in my mind. Why do things have to be so complicated , especially in my desire to be a mommy.

Coult it be?

Is it me? It it that I can't get my sugars under control and that's why I've lost my son and now buttercup?The dr thinks that maybe it's my sugars.. in fact he said "when we get the sugar thing under control we can avoid all of this". Is he right??? Will that solve my problems? I know with Jayden it was PTL/IC...... and now the dr thinks it's my diabetes that caused the loss of Buttercup..... is that a possibility?Why is that diabetic mothers who refuse treatment and refuse prenatal care get to have their full term babies but not me? Yea their babies spend time in the NICU but they get to go home. But me, I have to sit here and wait to try again! Well damnit I don't feel like I want to try again. I should have my son, and if God willing and no medical intervention was taken and I got pregnant than I should be 14 weeks pregnant with Buttercup! But instead here I am empty! once again...I'm afraid to TTC again... it looks like we'll be waiting 5-6 months to actively try again but I am afraid.... what ifs run through my mind again. I wonder how women who go through so many more than 2 losses get back into trying and keep their strength and faith together til the end! Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel and not bother with any of this..... as bad as I want to be a mom , I'm not sure I can handle the uncertainty that coems with the TTC journey.I know I'm way ahead of myself but these are things I have to think about, isn't it? Don't I have the write to be concerned..... for my self being, my mental state, my psyche?Yeah I may change my tune later down the road but for now I feel empty and I feel like a failure.... failure to make my husband a father, failure to make my parents- John's parents the grandparents, and failure to make myself a mother to a liveborn baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my angels.... I always will but sometimes I wonder what I did that was so freaking wrong that I had to loose my babies and than those who could care less about their body, their babies to go get prenatal care end up with healthy happy babies in the end? I know I sound repetitive and redundant but I have to ask myself over and over again! and hope that someone can give me an answer that isn't "God's will" or "You're young don't worry it'll happen for you". And honestly I am not that young, I'm 28.... and chances of me concieving and carrying a baby after 30 has it's own challenges and risks...... Some days are easier to get by than others but not so much today or yesterday for that matter. I'm looking for brighter days but will those days ever come to my favor? Anyways here's to us waiting up to 6 months to try again... hope the time goes by quickly... I'll be looking into classes again whenever they call me with a schedule and getting into work and whatever else so maybe those are distractions I need to get by these next several months. Sorry for the rant that may or may not make sense...... thanks for reading!

Thank You!

Thank you all those who have shown, and are continuing to show us support and encourage us each step of the way.
This is one journey I never pictured myself walking down within an year of loosing Jayden. But since I find myself here it's been hard, trying, and sometimes gives me the feelings of wanting to give up.

But I say thank you because without the constant support and care shown I don't think I would've made it this far.

Thank for not being judegemental or pushing your views on me. And letting me do this the way I want to. I wish I didn't have to choose this route or have been given this card but I guess it's one more that'll make me a stronger person. A better mom to my children. And a better wife to my husband.

I guess this is my public thank you because I am not sure how to thank each of you indivdually and that may take a long time to do.......

So from our family to yours , from our hearts to yours....... THANK YOU!!!

Well guess.........

There is no hope now. There's no reason to think anything will change now.

This morning we went to the ER because I have been battling a cough for almost 3/4 weeks. And well they drew blood and a chest xray.
All came back okay, showed I have an atypical pneumonia but that's okay..... I can take antibiotics for that.

The part that I am not sure if I can heal from as quickly is the news that my hCg levels have dropped. As of 2 saturdays ago they were well int eh 49,000s and today they were down to 32,104. So looks like in the next few weeks I'll be going through the process of miscarriage as so many women before me.
I'm not sure if there is medicine to heal a broken heart, the heart of a mother.

All I wanted is to have my baby Jayden here...... right now all I can think of how can I be mourning the loss of "buttercup" when in fact I should be having my arms full in diapers and toys and baby stuff for a 5 month old, instead here I sit slowly miscarrying my baby. A baby I will never get to meet and see what s/he looks like. I'll never know if s/he has my facial features or daddy's big feet like big brother Jayden did.

And I have to sit and wait several more months now before we can TTC again. I hate the tought of TTC. Like I said we should be so knee high deep in baby stuff and busy taking our newborn / infant to dr's appts and going out to the park. Instead we have to wait!!

I noticed one thing though, I know I've heard it many times after loosing Jayden but I'm hearing it again..... that phrase "you're young, you can have more" or "God has his reasons"........ well honestly I am fed up with those sayings....... if you don't have anything encouraging or supportive to say don't talk to me...... cause I hate hearing the same old lines. It gets old after awhile.......
What if your dog died and I said "well you can go buy another one"...... would you be as upset? Probably if you had that dog in your life for all it's life.... or even just enough time to get attached.

I've become more bitter towards the world, towards God during this. All that praying and having faith and believing God has answered our prayers...... well I'm finding it all BS!!! Maybe one day, some day I will recant my statement but for now- this moment in time....... yeah I have no faith in God...... He took away 2 precious children away from me. And my faith has been tested far enough in the last year.

And if this post offends some people than well I can't say I'm sorry- I refuse to apologize for expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I know!

I know I said I'd wait this out and let God take control...... but!

I want to throw in the towel!!
I feel so emotionally drained and I don't want to fight this anymore.... I want it over :( I hate the idea that I am giving up on Buttercup but I can't do it anymore!!

All I see are news of new pregnancies and it hurts me sooo freakin bad to know that I lost my chance once again!! I thought this would be my turn..... and I could bring my baby home this year but again I get cheated!!!

I give up!! I'm tired of pretending to be strong and acting like everything is okay.

My heart aches, my emotions get the best of me more often than not. And I get snappy with the wrong people....

I'm not a strong person!!!

I know there are women who have gone through more than I have and are still strong! So I feel like a damper for wanting to give up and be miserable.

Anyways I just wanted to vent.... no offense to the angel mommies who are reading- I am happy for you all because ya'll deserve this :)

The Will of God!

So today was my follow up u/s.
To say the least my need for reassurance any farther seems diminishing. My will power to hold on and hope that things "may" change have taken a total detour to just wanting this "over and moving on to healing". Not feeling optimistic because after 3 u/s all revealing the same....... well chances that things are changing are slim.
Sorry if I sound like a downer.
Tomorrow I will talk to the dr about how long he is willing to let me wait for a natural miscarriage before he feels it is necessary for the medicine. I think that is the farthest I will go.... I won't opt for the d&c. I will wait it out and let God do what he needs until it's medically needed for dr's to use medicine....... if that makes sense?
So sorry to say but doesn't look like buttercup is making it...I don't want to add hope to where hope is no longer an option..... just because this has been emotional as it is for me and for DH and everyone involved. I don't think ppl can handle my moodiness and pissiness anymore than I can.
So needless to say I guess I am saying good by this journey. Maybe in fall / winter we will TTC again,... until then we will stick to the plan of getting in shape and getting health taken care of. And by God's grace we'll concieve again and have a liveborn baby to bring home!
So here's to a 2010 baby!