To hallmark from Heaven

To Hallmark, they brag that they have a card for everything.

Dear Mr. Hallmark, I am writing to you from heaven, and though it must appear A rather strange idea, I see everything from here. I just popped in to visit, your stores to find a card A card of love for my mother, as this day for her is hard. There must be some mistake I thought, every card you could imagine Except I could not find a card, from a child who lives in heaven. She is still a mother too,no matter where I reside I had to leave, she understands, but oh the tears she's cried. I thought that if I wrote you, that you would come to know That though I live in heaven now, I still love my mother so. She talks with me, and dreams with me; we still share laughter too, Memories our way of speaking now, would you see what you could do? My mother carries me in her heart, her tears she hides from sight. She writes poems to honor me, sometimes far into the night She plants flowers in my garden, there my living memory dwells She writes to other grieving parents, trying to ease their pain as well. So you see Mr. Hallmark, though I no longer live on earth I must find a way, to remind her of her wondrous worth She needs to be honored, and remembered too Just as the children of earth will do. Thank you Mr. Hallmark, I know you'll do your best I have done all I can do; to you I'll leave the rest. Find a way to tell her, how much she means to me Until I can do it for myself, when she joins me in eternity.

When knowledge becomes nervousness

So this past monday I recieved a called from the drs who re did my D&C over at FSH... they stated that they were concerned that I may still have "products of conception" left due to the pathology reports showing that the embryo had implanted deeper than that of a normal pregnancy. And needed me to get blood work. So Tuesday I went and had blood work done, waiting for the results were killer.... So today, I called the nurse and the she stated that my results came back and my hCg levels were 6. To my understanding the level would have to be under 5 in order for no pregnancy to be present. So I was alittle concerned. Than an hour ago, I had the dr paged and she called back. She said that 6 is a fine number meaning that the pregnancy has been "evacuated" and she was happy with that number. She advised me if we wanted to ttc again we need to wait one cycle.... and if we weren't going to to use some form of BC. She also stated that an endo would be good to have to follow future pregnancies. But far as diabetes now goes, I can just be followed by my primary care because she's been doing a fine job. Having the all clear and the knowledge I have of what can happen during pregnancies and after birth and such....... it scares me. I fear that my future pregnancies may end in loss and that I will never get a chance to be a mommy to an earthbound baby.... one that I can bring home after 40 weeks of carry them in my womb...... So many fears follow the current knowledge that I have. I've got apprehensions, uncertainty all lingering around in my mind. Why do things have to be so complicated , especially in my desire to be a mommy.

Coult it be?

Is it me? It it that I can't get my sugars under control and that's why I've lost my son and now buttercup?The dr thinks that maybe it's my sugars.. in fact he said "when we get the sugar thing under control we can avoid all of this". Is he right??? Will that solve my problems? I know with Jayden it was PTL/IC...... and now the dr thinks it's my diabetes that caused the loss of Buttercup..... is that a possibility?Why is that diabetic mothers who refuse treatment and refuse prenatal care get to have their full term babies but not me? Yea their babies spend time in the NICU but they get to go home. But me, I have to sit here and wait to try again! Well damnit I don't feel like I want to try again. I should have my son, and if God willing and no medical intervention was taken and I got pregnant than I should be 14 weeks pregnant with Buttercup! But instead here I am empty! once again...I'm afraid to TTC again... it looks like we'll be waiting 5-6 months to actively try again but I am afraid.... what ifs run through my mind again. I wonder how women who go through so many more than 2 losses get back into trying and keep their strength and faith together til the end! Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel and not bother with any of this..... as bad as I want to be a mom , I'm not sure I can handle the uncertainty that coems with the TTC journey.I know I'm way ahead of myself but these are things I have to think about, isn't it? Don't I have the write to be concerned..... for my self being, my mental state, my psyche?Yeah I may change my tune later down the road but for now I feel empty and I feel like a failure.... failure to make my husband a father, failure to make my parents- John's parents the grandparents, and failure to make myself a mother to a liveborn baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my angels.... I always will but sometimes I wonder what I did that was so freaking wrong that I had to loose my babies and than those who could care less about their body, their babies to go get prenatal care end up with healthy happy babies in the end? I know I sound repetitive and redundant but I have to ask myself over and over again! and hope that someone can give me an answer that isn't "God's will" or "You're young don't worry it'll happen for you". And honestly I am not that young, I'm 28.... and chances of me concieving and carrying a baby after 30 has it's own challenges and risks...... Some days are easier to get by than others but not so much today or yesterday for that matter. I'm looking for brighter days but will those days ever come to my favor? Anyways here's to us waiting up to 6 months to try again... hope the time goes by quickly... I'll be looking into classes again whenever they call me with a schedule and getting into work and whatever else so maybe those are distractions I need to get by these next several months. Sorry for the rant that may or may not make sense...... thanks for reading!

Thank You!

Thank you all those who have shown, and are continuing to show us support and encourage us each step of the way.
This is one journey I never pictured myself walking down within an year of loosing Jayden. But since I find myself here it's been hard, trying, and sometimes gives me the feelings of wanting to give up.

But I say thank you because without the constant support and care shown I don't think I would've made it this far.

Thank for not being judegemental or pushing your views on me. And letting me do this the way I want to. I wish I didn't have to choose this route or have been given this card but I guess it's one more that'll make me a stronger person. A better mom to my children. And a better wife to my husband.

I guess this is my public thank you because I am not sure how to thank each of you indivdually and that may take a long time to do.......

So from our family to yours , from our hearts to yours....... THANK YOU!!!

Well guess.........

There is no hope now. There's no reason to think anything will change now.

This morning we went to the ER because I have been battling a cough for almost 3/4 weeks. And well they drew blood and a chest xray.
All came back okay, showed I have an atypical pneumonia but that's okay..... I can take antibiotics for that.

The part that I am not sure if I can heal from as quickly is the news that my hCg levels have dropped. As of 2 saturdays ago they were well int eh 49,000s and today they were down to 32,104. So looks like in the next few weeks I'll be going through the process of miscarriage as so many women before me.
I'm not sure if there is medicine to heal a broken heart, the heart of a mother.

All I wanted is to have my baby Jayden here...... right now all I can think of how can I be mourning the loss of "buttercup" when in fact I should be having my arms full in diapers and toys and baby stuff for a 5 month old, instead here I sit slowly miscarrying my baby. A baby I will never get to meet and see what s/he looks like. I'll never know if s/he has my facial features or daddy's big feet like big brother Jayden did.

And I have to sit and wait several more months now before we can TTC again. I hate the tought of TTC. Like I said we should be so knee high deep in baby stuff and busy taking our newborn / infant to dr's appts and going out to the park. Instead we have to wait!!

I noticed one thing though, I know I've heard it many times after loosing Jayden but I'm hearing it again..... that phrase "you're young, you can have more" or "God has his reasons"........ well honestly I am fed up with those sayings....... if you don't have anything encouraging or supportive to say don't talk to me...... cause I hate hearing the same old lines. It gets old after awhile.......
What if your dog died and I said "well you can go buy another one"...... would you be as upset? Probably if you had that dog in your life for all it's life.... or even just enough time to get attached.

I've become more bitter towards the world, towards God during this. All that praying and having faith and believing God has answered our prayers...... well I'm finding it all BS!!! Maybe one day, some day I will recant my statement but for now- this moment in time....... yeah I have no faith in God...... He took away 2 precious children away from me. And my faith has been tested far enough in the last year.

And if this post offends some people than well I can't say I'm sorry- I refuse to apologize for expressing my thoughts and feelings.

I know!

I know I said I'd wait this out and let God take control...... but!

I want to throw in the towel!!
I feel so emotionally drained and I don't want to fight this anymore.... I want it over :( I hate the idea that I am giving up on Buttercup but I can't do it anymore!!

All I see are news of new pregnancies and it hurts me sooo freakin bad to know that I lost my chance once again!! I thought this would be my turn..... and I could bring my baby home this year but again I get cheated!!!

I give up!! I'm tired of pretending to be strong and acting like everything is okay.

My heart aches, my emotions get the best of me more often than not. And I get snappy with the wrong people....

I'm not a strong person!!!

I know there are women who have gone through more than I have and are still strong! So I feel like a damper for wanting to give up and be miserable.

Anyways I just wanted to vent.... no offense to the angel mommies who are reading- I am happy for you all because ya'll deserve this :)

The Will of God!

So today was my follow up u/s.
To say the least my need for reassurance any farther seems diminishing. My will power to hold on and hope that things "may" change have taken a total detour to just wanting this "over and moving on to healing". Not feeling optimistic because after 3 u/s all revealing the same....... well chances that things are changing are slim.
Sorry if I sound like a downer.
Tomorrow I will talk to the dr about how long he is willing to let me wait for a natural miscarriage before he feels it is necessary for the medicine. I think that is the farthest I will go.... I won't opt for the d&c. I will wait it out and let God do what he needs until it's medically needed for dr's to use medicine....... if that makes sense?
So sorry to say but doesn't look like buttercup is making it...I don't want to add hope to where hope is no longer an option..... just because this has been emotional as it is for me and for DH and everyone involved. I don't think ppl can handle my moodiness and pissiness anymore than I can.
So needless to say I guess I am saying good by this journey. Maybe in fall / winter we will TTC again,... until then we will stick to the plan of getting in shape and getting health taken care of. And by God's grace we'll concieve again and have a liveborn baby to bring home!
So here's to a 2010 baby!

Dreams

I am awake because I had a dream. One that I'm not sure I can shake off as easily as the ones that would have no meaning.

In the dream we went for our u/s on Monday and sure enough we saw a growth in the baby and we got to see a hb... a strong one in the 150s!

Tell me that I'm not just having this dream because I want this so badly to go the way I envisioned when I got my BFP that I'm willing to let my psyche play these games.

I've been praying like I've never prayed before the last couple nights when it's just me and buttercup left. I prayed that God will show us a miracle come Monday. Maybe that's why I had this dream? Or I've even come to believe that God gives us our answers in our dreams. Is that possible? I guess it could be afterall we are talking about the almighty Father!


I just don't want to be setting myself up for a HUGE painful fall come Monday but than I don't want to NOT have hope or faith in this.
And all I can do is read everything on www.misdiagnosedmiscarriage.com nightly! Just so maybe I can compare to others' stories and find comfort and maybe hope.


Is there such a thing as being TOO optimistic?

Someone please tell me I'm not a total crazy minded pregnant woman! And tell me what I am feeling is all "motherly instincts".
Or just slap me and bring me back into the reality of things....... something!


Well guess that's it for my rambling..... thanks for reading!

Call me a chicken or just call me OPTIMISTIC!!! But......

I am still pregnant! Until the fat lady sings I am NOT out of this yet!!
Anyways, today was suppose to be the day I get my DnC. But after much arguing with myself over night and reading blogs and reading websites we opted against the DnC for now.
We arrived at the hospital as scheduled at 1230. I went and spoke to the receptionist and told her that I was having "second thoughts" and being a "doubting Thomas" And she immediately said "I know you're not doubting yourself, you're being OPTIMISTIC and there's nothing wrong with that!".....
That made me smile. To know that an unbias party was telling me this.
So I went back and sat down with the nurse shortly after and I told her I wanted some blood work and another u/s done before we make this "final". I told her "I don't want to look back at the what ifs in life later on".
She said she'd go talk to the dr and see what he wanted to do but she didn't see a problem of him refusing this request.
So she left and than returned shortly after and said "the dr wants to have a face to face conversation with you but for now he wants you to go and get the pre-op stuff done anyways".
So we did and that took a whole half hour (blood work and an EKG).

At a little after 1 we came back up the dr's office and sat around for awhile. Waiting to meet and talk with the dr.
Well at around 215 or so the receptionsist says the dr may be awhile cause he went to deliver a baby..... well I asked if we can schedule to see him Monday or tomorrow. And sat back down in my seat.
Soon enough the dr came back up from delivery and we were escorted to the room.
Than the dr came in and we talked about how he wasn't comfortable with doing anything until I was comfortable, they weren't there to pressure me to do this if I didn't feel it was right yet.
He looked over my records and said "you're levels early on were 12" and I said "yep". and he jokingly said "wow the sheets were still warm when you got that blood test"..... LOL! And we all just went "must have".
Well long story short he said the blood work wouldn't show anything definitive cause the #s wouldn't be doubling. So instead he just wants me to get an u/s. He said there's no harm in doing this. And if it'll settle my mind and whatnot he has no problem with doing this...... which is great relief to know!! Much different tune that the female dr that was kind of pushing our minds one way! :)
He originally verbally told me to get one done on Thursday but his nurse called and said they scheduled it for Monday!
So we'll see more and know more on Monday afternoon! At which point I will update more.

Thank you for the extra push to get me thinking straighter ....... haha. I think this way we'll know 100% of what is going on and not be standing at a 90%. That extra 10% will make a huge difference.
Well guess that's it! Guess we wait, pray and hope that Buttercup pulls through for us Monday and we see more and find out more!! :)

Did you really just say that?

So today I was IMing with a friend's sister. The same person who I had stopped talking to after Jayden's loss because she compared DHS taking her kids to me loosing Jayden... (by FAR no comparison!!).

Well anyways today she IMed and to ask how my u/s and appt went.... before I posted my blog on myspace.

Well shortly after she IMed me back and said how "sorry she was and she knew how I was feeling cause she had losses in the 2nd month and 4th month" so I let her talk.... WRONG IDEA!! This woman should not be allowed to speak EVER!!!!

So we are talking and she says "I know surrogates are expensive, so if you want I will carry the baby for you" and proceeds with "I did it for another friend 7 years ago and we did it as adoption and it was perfectly legal".
So I told her "I'm not battling infertility so that's not an option for us, we'll wait and see what Gd has planned for us and follow His will".
And she had the nerve to say "well if that's what you want!"..........

UMMM EXCUSE ME!!! But it's my body, my baby, and my life....... who are you to get all up in my business like that....
I mean I understand I make my life "public" on myspace and here but still come on...... to be ignorant enough to mention that and than when I give you a reasonable explanantion you pitch an attitude with me?? Are you freaking serious???

Ugh! There needs to be a seperate island where stupid people are dumped onto!! LOL!!
I'm sure it would be an overpopulated island though haha!

Alright well I'm done ranting!!

Not so good news :(

So today was my follow up u/s. I went in with a full bladder as required and we waited there for about a half hour.
Finally we were ushered back to the u/s room and the tech began doing what she needed to do. And asked if I had another u/s done elsewhere and I told her St Joes Peri center. And she began looking around.... and I had mentioned to her that the baby was measuring at 3mm as of last Wendesday.

She continued looking and she confirmed what I thought was happening and what had been seen last week. A 3mm fetal pole with no hb. :(

The Radiologist came in and confirmed it as well.

Well.. following the u/s I had my dr's appt. And getting there was painful.. the tears began and I was just a mess.

I finally got to go back into one of the rooms and the nurse took my bp- I didn't catch what it was today but I assume it had to be up there with last weeks.
After some time the dr came in and we discussed things ....... mainly the fact that if there hasn't been change yet there probably won't be. And I agreed....... I've had that thought in my head the entire ride to the dr's. So it was just confirmation from the dr.

We decided the best way, the less emotional way for us to deal with this is to get a D&C done. So I am scheduled for one at 230 pm tomorrow......

And the game plan for after this is that I'll meet with an endocronologist and discuss my diabetes treatment, be put on some sort of birth control. Personally speaking I want to get my weight as well as DH's weight under control before we consider TTC again.

So here we are at the beginning of the end.

I am sad , we both are but this is part of God's plan I'm sure! If God didn't think we could handle another loss HE wouldn't have us going through this again.

So thank you to everyone whos been there supporting, praying and sending us positive thoughts! We greatly appreciate them all! And please if I can ask for continued prayers while we take this and heal from this in the days, weeks, months to come........ Thank you!!


~~Jayden please be gentle with your baby brother or sister! And buttercup know that we love you as much as we love your big brother, we'll miss you and sorry we didn't get the chance to meet you~~

My fears for Buttercup!

My fears for our little "buttercup" are a wide range!

For starters my greatest fear is that tomorrow's u/s will show the worst case scenerio in my life and that is another loss. A loss before life even began for this lil one.
It's not all that uncommon for the hCg levels to rise and there be no hb.... so that is my fear right now.

And if we get past this fear, my second fear is the cerclage. What if that fails? What if my body fails to accept it and I still end up loosing "buttercup" in the 2nd trimester? It's not all that uncommon either!

And if we get past those two fears , my third fear is that we may end up having a stillbirth! And I don't know if I can handle that either. For the simple fact that my body's done what I think it needs to and still fails to deliver a healthy happy baby in the end. It's known to have happened to many women! and whose to say that I am immuned to this? Nothing!

The seond to last of fears for "buttercup" is what if we get past all these fears and yet there lies another one! SIDS!!! What if I'm not careful , or someone whos watching "buttercup" isn't paying 100% attention and my baby passes away due to SIDS?? Again that's not uncommon either...... it'll ruled as unknown COD but it's still there! SIDS runs through all ages of infancy and even toddler age chidlren...... so what's to say that my baby won't be a "statistic".

And my GREATEST fear in life is SBS! What if someone caring for my "buttercup" ends up getting frustrated and shakes my baby? What if I end up shaking my baby? What if my baby is one of those who get colic and are unconsolable and one wrong move causes SBS? And they pass???? Than what?????


There are so many fears that lie around when you're pregnant, giving birth, after birth that no one thing has an answer.
Any of these can happen and I guess as humans we can't stop it from happening, all we can truly do is HAVE faith and pray that GOD knows what he is doing and pray that your plans and God's plans coincide for the most part, right?

HIS WILL BE DONE!! Right??? Not our will be done.
We can look to HIM for guidance and ask that things will turn out great but if he has other plans for us and our lives I guess there's not much we can do to change God's mind.

Brings me back to the saying..........
FAITH OVER FEAR!!!!!!! some days that's the only way to survive this!!

To my avid followers :) Sorry for the delayed update!

Sorry to those who are following close to my updates and blogs for an absent blog this week!

So as you all know I had my blood re drawn on Saturday morning. Not a quite 48 hour wait in between the two draws. But the good news is there is an increase.

Thursday they were 39,648 and
Saturday they were well in the 49,000s *not sure of the exact cause I didn't quite catch what the nurse said*.
Now because of the draws not being 48 hours apart my numbers may have been in the "doubling" mode or as we all speculate they may be at a point where they don't double quite as often! Which is perfectly fine because I'm interested in the numbers increasing not decreasing!!

So I have a follow up u/s tomorrow morning at 930 and than my dr's appt after that at 11. So my next update won't be up til around after 1pm.

Thank you to those who have and who are continuing to keep buttercup and I in your daily prayers and thoughts!! We are very much appreciative :)

So ......

After my St Joseph's perinatal center scare on Tuesday. I went and saw the dr yesterday and we talked about things. I brought along my calendar to show him that I had the HSG on Jan 16 (even though he should and does know this)... and told him of the discharge I had on the 20th and 21st of Jan.
So by all means of my calculations I am barely 6 weeks along.
Of course he said he can't say yes or no to or even agree or disagree with the Peri on what the outcome would be since he hadn't recieved the report from them.

So anyways much to me asking and such he obliged to have a repeat u/s done in a week this time with AR and not St Joes! I refuse to go somewhere where ppl have poor bedside manner anymore!!! (I have to schedule that appt soon too)........
And he wrote up 2 reqs for blood draws. One was done yesterday and one to be done on Saturday. 48 hours apart but the lab closes at noon on Saturdays so it'll be earlier so it won't be a full 48 hour difference which I guess is okay... they just want to see the numbers.

Well I just called them and left a message. The nurse called back and said my numbers definite rose but since my last beta draw was 2/17 we can't make a definite comparison. So as of yesterday the number is 39,648.

So on we go to tomorrow's beta draw and waiting the weekend for the results from that!

So looks like "buttercup" is still hanging on strong! And see being obsessed isn't always a bad thing! You get things done and get people to do things :)

Contined prayers and positive thoughts are welcmed until "buttercp" makes his/her entrance into the world in Oct!

Thanks!

Our first u/s isn't what we had hoped for.......

Today was our first u/s. And needless to say we didn't the news we had hoped and prayed for. There was a visible gestational sac and fetal pole but it had no heartbeat. Both fetail pole and sac were measuring at 6 weeks. The u/s tech called it a "missed miscarriage" or "missed abortion". So I called my dr's office and they want me in tomorrow at 2pm to discuss another u/s in a week and possibly what else needs to be done from here.So far the u/s tech, my ob nurse, and the ob don't sound at all hopeful that is a viale pregnancy. We on the other hand want to think the "good" and pray that it is too early for a hearbeat. All I can think of is "I wish I knew when we heard Jayden's hb so we have something to compare it to"... but my mind skips over that for some reason and I can't think of it. All I can remember is it took us atleast 2-3 u/s to finally find his heartbeat... so I'm praying the same goes for "buttercup". So if I alongside my husband can ask for some contined "sticky" baby vibes and prayers we would be more than grateful and appreciative! Maybe when they say to hold off telling your loved ones and friends til the 2nd trimester , they aren't kidding! But when you've lost one baby already the next pregnancy is that much more reason to celebrate and I guess that's why we spread the word pretty quickly! We're being hopeful! Not all hope is lost til we see and find reason! :)

I don't know what it is!

But for the last 2 weeks or so I can only sleep about 2-4 hours a night! Call it anxiety , or nerves or just fear of the nightmares that haunt me every now and than.

With Jayden I was so exhausted all the time I could fall asleep and stay asleep throughout the night! But than again I don't think I had as many fears or worries with Jayden as I do with this lil one! Maybe because with "buttercup" I know the truth behind the possibilities of what could happen and may happen...... not to sound negative- just being realistic.

My prayer each night is that I go to bed pregnant and wake up that way in the morning. And I pray that Jayden watch over his baby brother or sister. And I make sure to tell both of my babies (in heaven and in my tummy) that I love them because I feel as if I didn't tell Jayden that enough!

So again, tonight I am up again for about the millionth time.
My only hope and prayer is that after my u/s on wednesday that I can get some "rest" and put my mind at ease.

Well here's to another sleepless night in Essex LOL! And some web browsing and possibly laying back down.

2nd OB/MW appt

We left the house around 430 anticipationg traffic. My appt was at 530! We waited around what seemed forever! And finally were asked to come back and for me to get weighed (150lbs) and than taken to the exam room and my blood pressure was taken (110/78). And than we waited again Finally the dr came in and we started talking. He asked about my blood sugars and I told him. Than I mentioned about the cerclage being an option- the dr stated that that is a strong possibilty and he has no problem with it.. he just has to sit with the other drs of the practice and discuss my file along with ALL the other high risk pregnancies in the office! Than he started his rant (I say rant because neither John or I agree with this) about genetic testing. He said he would like for us to have 1st tri testing done before the cerclage just so we don't make a decision to do the cerclage and changed our minds following the testing (sounded to me like he was saying if downs or trisomies may be present we could abort/terminate- that is what we are NOT going for). We told him regardless of tests and such we wouldn't change the outcome of the birth of our baby. And he "seemed" to respect that idea and decision. (I say "seemed" cause he didn't seem convinced and looked as if we didn't know what we were thinking or talking about). I told him we made the decision not to test with Jayden so we would follow that and not test with this baby either. Than he talked about a menginoele with Jayden and I said "well the hospital photographer and nurse said there was a problem on his spine and 'suspected' spina bifida but we never had an autopsy performed to say yey or ney". My personal opinion because of my irregular periods I don't feel like I was a full 21w3d when I lost Jayden... and I feel like his spine hadn't closed all the way, there was NOTHING wrong with our son! He was the perfect of perfect babies..... and I'm not saying that cause he is our son. Anyways we discussed what needed to be discussed! Nothing less and nothing more for now! My appt s will be weekly because of my diabetes , he wants to see my levels each which to tweek my insulin with each week to each trimester! So yay for that! I asked about an ultrasound and the dr feels like the Peri is the best place to go to have them done. He doesn't seem to trust the regular ultrasound places lol.... so our first u/s is on Wednesday. He wouldn't do a doppler to check the heartbeat because he feels it is too early now for one. So we wait and wait again for about another week :( Sad but okay with it I guess LOL! Well that's it I guess! I'll probably update again after the ultrasound but again the appts will be updated per request :) Thank you all for your continued support and encouragement. And definitely for the continued prayers and positive thoughts!

Today's appt - 2/24

Well we met with the midwife today! She went over our history, our loss of Jayden and other issues I am concerned about. I was given blood work req for fasting glucose and A1c and for some reason HIV (apparently ir's routine now). And she gave me paperwork for an u/s to be performed by a perinatologist. So I have an appt at the hospital next wed at 215 to meet with a Peri and have an u/s! So we'll get to see Peanut on that screen for the first time- unless I can get my dr to order one on Thursday!I have to go see my OB on Thurs at 530! So we can work out a plan of action and a way that we can "prevent" another loss.... which is a relief but the thought that we are planning this scares me..... As of now my EDD is Oct 1st which I told the mw was wrong cause I can't go along with my LMP , seeing how they are not the normal 28 day cycles, not even 32 day cycles..... so we'll figure it out on u/s! My guess for my EDD is between Oct 13 and Oct 18 so anything goes for now! LOL! It's nice to finally be taken seriously and have a course of action in place.... but at the same time I wish I could be "ignorant" and "blissful" and be "over the moon" about things- and not fear that one lousy cramp could be the end or one day of no sore breasts be the end? KWIM? As the midwife told us.. it's those "pregnancy symptoms" that we women look for just so we are SURE that this is going to happen. And that's why when one of those symptoms desipate or go missing for more than a day or so we freak out! and it's normal!! Normal , not crazy or not something to be taken lightly but know that these are valid points and we as PAL mommies to be we need that reassurance from a sore breast, queasiness, aversions to smells, and all the other symptoms that some "non PAL mommies" take for granted. I guess you have to step into the shoes of a PAL mommy to know what we fear and what we enjoy as a "normal" pregnancy now. I am more than grateful for the group of dr's and mw's I will be dealing with through this pregnnacy! I'm glad I have them , those who understand my fears and concerns and are willing to take every step to ensure that this lil Peanut and I are safe! And that makes us all feel 50% better! We'll be 100% when we have the new lil bundle of joy in our arms come Oct!Well guess that's all for tonight! ..

For our new little one!

Hello little one!
It's mommy! You're a pretty awesome little one already! You've proven that through some obsession and faith that a miracle can happen.
You have a big brother in Heaven watching over you so that makes you a pretty lucky little bean :)
I just wanted to tell you that this may have been a short or long journey coming but either way we are in so much love with you already!
We finished up big brother's nursery for you. I'm sorry big brother isn't here to watch you grow but he'll have a hand in keeping you safe through you life's journey as you grow older.
Mommy may be excessive with her "I love yous" but please understand that I do love you as much as I love your big brother Jayden :)
You two are mommy and daddy's world right now! So until it's time for you to come out and meet us , grow baby grow !!!
And we'll see you in October sometime :)
With lots of love and hugs!!
xoxoxoxoxmommyxoxoxox

For big brother Jayden

Hello Jayden!
It's mommy :) I wanted to say Congrats! You're gonna be a big brother. As if you didn't already know this. Mommy and daddy are so very blessed to have a sweet angel watching over us.
And your little brother or sister is the luckiest little kid to have a guardian angel. Not many kids can say that you know?
Not a day goes by that we don't miss you and want you in our arms! Please know that the new baby is not here to replace you. You are and always will be our little soldier and our first love as mommy and daddy!
Do mommy and daddy a favor and watch over your baby brother or sister the best that you can :)
We love you and miss you little man!

Sending up some hugs and kisses!
xoxoxoxoxmommyxoxoxoxox

Bursting at the seams!!!

Okay so I'm going nuts!

I want to know how far along I am!
I want to know whether there is a heartbeat yet!
I want to know when my due date is!
I want to know all these for my peace of mind

But nost of all......
I want to know so I can start telling family. I'm bursting at the seams to tell but I am worried that something will happen from now and than and will have to recant my joyous annoucement with sadness or uncertainty again.

I just want an ultrasound! I can't believe I have to wait til after my first appt to get one :( I just really am growing impatient!


On another note,
WE went and splurged on 2 additional baby items. An outfit gift set from target and a Winnie the Pooh cribbing set from WalMart.
I keep telling myself "hope I'm not jinxing things". And "God wouldn't be so cruel to me twice in an year?".

I am being hopefuly and prayful !! I hate the sense and feeling of PAL brain! It's really hard to keep "positive" when you know the inevitable can happen because it has happened once before.
I feel like if I can get an early enough ultrasound before my first appt, I can be more at ease but what dr would order an u/s without an appt? Even if it's for my peace of mind? And plus my appt is on Tuesday so I think I can wait!

I sound so crazy I know! But that's how PAL brain works at times I guess! And this is just the beginning of things.... I can only imagine how things will be as things progress!

AHHH!!!! The insanity has started, continues and will continue!

Continuation

So I just called the nurse at th dr's office, of course I ended up leaving a message. She just called back about 5 mins ago and the verdict is.......

My numbers are 3916!! So that's a definite increase!!

Just an overview my number on 2/5 = 12 and my second on 2/12 = 376.

So keep those prayers coming!!! Looks good so far!!

Thanks! Update more later I guess :)

To be continued.......

I called the dr's office this morning.
I had been experiencing some light cramping. And I was nervous about my levels anyways.
So I called the dr and left a message on the nurse line, she called me back a couple hours later and she sent the requisition for the blood work.

So today at 3pm I had my beta levels drawn again, I won't have results for the atleast 24 to 48 hours.

So this post will be contined after I find out more information!

Obsession!

So I catch myself awake every night wondering if my hCg levels are rising! This is my newest obsession. I thought that the obsession would end after I got the "positive" tests but I was wrong.
All I can think of is "how do I search and see if my numbers doubled and doubling?", or "I wonder if I can call for a beta draw again?", or "am I driving myself, driving my husband crazy with my nuttiness?".

I just want to know that all is going well with the pregnancy. I want to know this because I don't want to go through another loss....... not in the first, second, or third trimester... or even after birth!! All I want is a healthy happy baby to come home with us!!

I have very little symptims. So I can't be assured that things are okay when I don't have symptoms such as hugging the toilet bowl......
All I have are cravings, late night ones when the hubby is not here go get them for me :(

All I want is for the 24th to hurry and come!! So that I can see the dr and get confirmation that all is going well... and have another beta draw!! AHHHH the obsession is killing me and stressing me out!!!

Oh well. Guess I'll go back to reading my book and see if I can find some ease and comfort from it!

Well this is the update for today!

Fears and Worries!!

I have to say I am scared of being pregnant!
I fear that I won't make it full term. I fear that if I do go full term it may end up in a still birth, or in a SIDs passing of my baby.

Every little twinge I feel as if something will go wrong, with each day I feel "fine" I think "omg, I'm not pregnant". Even sitting here tonight typing this I feel cramps and wonder "is it over?", "am I gonna look and see that it's all ending?".

There is no way of relaxing through a pregnancy after loss. I don't know how other women go and do it not once but twice and can contain themselves!

I feel so crazy when I sit here and worry. I wish I could go back in time when I was so ignorant to all of the "bad" things that could happen and just think "hey! a positive test, I'm pregnant!!! let's go shopping for baby things". Instead I walk through stores and wonder "when will I get to buy that outfit for my baby?", or "when can I buy a carseat?".... all in fear that if I buy anything permaant it may all end and I'll be left empty once more.

Today though I invested in a book called "Pregnancy After Loss". I hope that the book will put my heart, mind at ease and let this be a great journey! We also bought a musical mobile and a hamper for the new little bean. I hope by doing this I hope I don't jinx anything and that in 9mons that we'll bring our new bundle of joy home to stay!

I guess fear and worries are normal and natural part of being pregnant after loss! One day soon I pray that God will settle my heart and mind! with the help of my new book!


FAITH OVER FEAR!!!

Update 2/13

So today was a good day! My sister came for a visit last night and stayed with us til about noon today.
This morning I called the dr's office around 1030 to see if the results were available. The nurse told me she couldn't fnd any online yet, but would call the lab to see if they could get it rushed.

She than called about an hour or so later and told me that the levels had gone up. As of last Thursday 2/5 my level was 12, yesterday 2/12 my levels were at 367. Which is wonderful news.

Everyone I've talked to and everything I've searched online shows that that is an increase of hcg every 28 hours, approximately a 215% increase over the last week!!

So I am hopeful, prayful and excited!!

Oh and BTW, my first OB appt is on Tues 2/24.....at 245pm.


On a side note and kind of still related note,
The 24th landing on a Tuesday this month is a bittersweet moment, it is the exact same day and date as 8 mons back when I began labor with Jayden.
And than on Wed 2/25 we wil be at the cemetary visiting our beautiful boy! We'll try and be there at 936 to 10am! The times that Jayden was alive and well in our arms :)


Please send any and all possible prayers our way as we start our new journey as we face parenthood once more but this time in hopes and prayer that in October/November we will bring home our healthy baby :)

Thank you :)

Update 2/12

I had the b/w done this morning, we left as soon as DH got home from work. The tech said it can take up to anywhere from 24-48 hours so I won't know anything til Monday at the latest!!

THIS IS GONNA DRIVE ME BONKERS!! so I guess laura and I will wait together to hear our numbers :) hehe!

So if I don't hear anything tomorrow , it's gonna be a LONGGGGGGGGGGG weekend and than when I do hear the results on Monday I will definitely hop on here and update!!

Til than... I'm gonna learn and teach myself patience LOL!

Wednesday 2/11

Today is day 2 that I have known that I am expecting.
Things are a bit scary at this point because I don't know what to expect from this pregnancy. I want to be so exicted but I have fears that over power the excitement.

A brief history....
My now husband John and I were expecting our first child last year, we found out through a HPT on Feb 25 that we would be parents. After several rough weeks of me having SCH (subchorionic hemorrhaging) it seemed like it was going to be forever before we met our baby.
On June 11 we found out that we would be expecting our first son, and we chose to name him Jayden Alexander. And we couldn't have been any more elated to find this out! We told everyone who was anyone that we were having our son!! He's due date would be Nov 2 2008.

But on the morning of Tuesday , June 24 my world came crashing down when I woke up to what I now know were early stages of labor. So from 7am til about 1030am I was in so much pain and going to the bathroom so uncomfortably I called my dr. Who advised me to drink a lot of fluids and relax (ha! easier said than done). And than it turned into them saying I should head to the nearest L&D. So I called John and said "I think we're loosing the baby". And he rushed home from wrok and drove me to the hospital as fast as he could. I didn't even bother correcting his driving as I usually would.
We arrived at the hosptail by 1115am. They did the paperwork to admit me, weighed me all while I was having contractions.
And in the exam room the dr came and examined me and said that I was fully dilated and there was no stopping the process of labor at that point anymore, both John and I cried and held each other knowing that we would and may loose our son.

Well we spent the night in the hospital. Nurses and dr's crowding my room every chance they got.

Well the morning of Wednesday June 25 @ 9am I started having labor pains again. So I asked fot he nurse and she came and checked me, told me I am crowning and the baby needed to be delivered!
John and I began crying again!
I started pushing around 914am and our son Jayden was born at 936am , his heart beat was at 74. He weighed in at 15.4oz and 11inches long.
He passed in my arms at 10am. 24mins of my life that I will forever cherish! 21w3d that I will always remember spending with my son.

We held him all day, he was in my room with us all day. Until around 8pm when we had to let him to the morgue.

That Friday June 27 is when we finally said our goodbyes. We laid Jayden to rest at the cemetary with his grandmom.


Fast forwarding..........
So we have been TTC again since September. And each month came disappointment with each negative HPT I took.

And well Christmas 08 was when I got my last cycle.
Scheduled for an HSG on the 16th of January.

I was awaiting AF to arrive and when she didn't for 2 weeks I called my dr and asked for blood work. Which was done on 2/5.
We left town on 2/6 for my birthday weekend with my folks and my sister.

On Monday 2/9 I recieved a call from the dr's office stating that my results came back and I am "just" positive and will need repeat bloodwork on 2/12.

And that's where we are now, today! We are waiting for tomorrow to come so I can get that blood work done again!

I took a HPT for my reassurance on 2/9 and 2/10. And both came back positive.

I have fears, apprehensions, and excitement all in one!

Fears that what happened with Jayden may happen to this little one, fears that I wish never existed. I wish I can go back in time when I was naive and ignorant to all of this!
I want to get excited! I want to go and splurge what money I have on baby things but I fear in doing so I may jinx myself and the baby. I know not very optimistic. But that's my life now as a PAL mom.
I feel like wanting to do all this stuff takes away from what I didn't get to do with Jayden and my pregnancy with him. I feel like I'm cheating my son out of what he should've gotten too!
I love Jayden with all my heart and I hope he knows that.

This new baby is no means of replacing him -- because he will forever be my first baby boy! my first love as a mother! He showed me the meaning of being a mother..... through the rough times and the happy times.

I love you little man!! I really do and I really miss you tons!! Please watch over mommy, daddy and your baby brother or sister :)

Well guess that's all for today! Or not... maybe I'll write more and in another entry later on but for now this will do!