Wednesday 2/11

Today is day 2 that I have known that I am expecting.
Things are a bit scary at this point because I don't know what to expect from this pregnancy. I want to be so exicted but I have fears that over power the excitement.

A brief history....
My now husband John and I were expecting our first child last year, we found out through a HPT on Feb 25 that we would be parents. After several rough weeks of me having SCH (subchorionic hemorrhaging) it seemed like it was going to be forever before we met our baby.
On June 11 we found out that we would be expecting our first son, and we chose to name him Jayden Alexander. And we couldn't have been any more elated to find this out! We told everyone who was anyone that we were having our son!! He's due date would be Nov 2 2008.

But on the morning of Tuesday , June 24 my world came crashing down when I woke up to what I now know were early stages of labor. So from 7am til about 1030am I was in so much pain and going to the bathroom so uncomfortably I called my dr. Who advised me to drink a lot of fluids and relax (ha! easier said than done). And than it turned into them saying I should head to the nearest L&D. So I called John and said "I think we're loosing the baby". And he rushed home from wrok and drove me to the hospital as fast as he could. I didn't even bother correcting his driving as I usually would.
We arrived at the hosptail by 1115am. They did the paperwork to admit me, weighed me all while I was having contractions.
And in the exam room the dr came and examined me and said that I was fully dilated and there was no stopping the process of labor at that point anymore, both John and I cried and held each other knowing that we would and may loose our son.

Well we spent the night in the hospital. Nurses and dr's crowding my room every chance they got.

Well the morning of Wednesday June 25 @ 9am I started having labor pains again. So I asked fot he nurse and she came and checked me, told me I am crowning and the baby needed to be delivered!
John and I began crying again!
I started pushing around 914am and our son Jayden was born at 936am , his heart beat was at 74. He weighed in at 15.4oz and 11inches long.
He passed in my arms at 10am. 24mins of my life that I will forever cherish! 21w3d that I will always remember spending with my son.

We held him all day, he was in my room with us all day. Until around 8pm when we had to let him to the morgue.

That Friday June 27 is when we finally said our goodbyes. We laid Jayden to rest at the cemetary with his grandmom.


Fast forwarding..........
So we have been TTC again since September. And each month came disappointment with each negative HPT I took.

And well Christmas 08 was when I got my last cycle.
Scheduled for an HSG on the 16th of January.

I was awaiting AF to arrive and when she didn't for 2 weeks I called my dr and asked for blood work. Which was done on 2/5.
We left town on 2/6 for my birthday weekend with my folks and my sister.

On Monday 2/9 I recieved a call from the dr's office stating that my results came back and I am "just" positive and will need repeat bloodwork on 2/12.

And that's where we are now, today! We are waiting for tomorrow to come so I can get that blood work done again!

I took a HPT for my reassurance on 2/9 and 2/10. And both came back positive.

I have fears, apprehensions, and excitement all in one!

Fears that what happened with Jayden may happen to this little one, fears that I wish never existed. I wish I can go back in time when I was naive and ignorant to all of this!
I want to get excited! I want to go and splurge what money I have on baby things but I fear in doing so I may jinx myself and the baby. I know not very optimistic. But that's my life now as a PAL mom.
I feel like wanting to do all this stuff takes away from what I didn't get to do with Jayden and my pregnancy with him. I feel like I'm cheating my son out of what he should've gotten too!
I love Jayden with all my heart and I hope he knows that.

This new baby is no means of replacing him -- because he will forever be my first baby boy! my first love as a mother! He showed me the meaning of being a mother..... through the rough times and the happy times.

I love you little man!! I really do and I really miss you tons!! Please watch over mommy, daddy and your baby brother or sister :)

Well guess that's all for today! Or not... maybe I'll write more and in another entry later on but for now this will do!