Coult it be?

Is it me? It it that I can't get my sugars under control and that's why I've lost my son and now buttercup?The dr thinks that maybe it's my sugars.. in fact he said "when we get the sugar thing under control we can avoid all of this". Is he right??? Will that solve my problems? I know with Jayden it was PTL/IC...... and now the dr thinks it's my diabetes that caused the loss of Buttercup..... is that a possibility?Why is that diabetic mothers who refuse treatment and refuse prenatal care get to have their full term babies but not me? Yea their babies spend time in the NICU but they get to go home. But me, I have to sit here and wait to try again! Well damnit I don't feel like I want to try again. I should have my son, and if God willing and no medical intervention was taken and I got pregnant than I should be 14 weeks pregnant with Buttercup! But instead here I am empty! once again...I'm afraid to TTC again... it looks like we'll be waiting 5-6 months to actively try again but I am afraid.... what ifs run through my mind again. I wonder how women who go through so many more than 2 losses get back into trying and keep their strength and faith together til the end! Because as of this moment I want to throw in the towel and not bother with any of this..... as bad as I want to be a mom , I'm not sure I can handle the uncertainty that coems with the TTC journey.I know I'm way ahead of myself but these are things I have to think about, isn't it? Don't I have the write to be concerned..... for my self being, my mental state, my psyche?Yeah I may change my tune later down the road but for now I feel empty and I feel like a failure.... failure to make my husband a father, failure to make my parents- John's parents the grandparents, and failure to make myself a mother to a liveborn baby. Don't get me wrong, I love my angels.... I always will but sometimes I wonder what I did that was so freaking wrong that I had to loose my babies and than those who could care less about their body, their babies to go get prenatal care end up with healthy happy babies in the end? I know I sound repetitive and redundant but I have to ask myself over and over again! and hope that someone can give me an answer that isn't "God's will" or "You're young don't worry it'll happen for you". And honestly I am not that young, I'm 28.... and chances of me concieving and carrying a baby after 30 has it's own challenges and risks...... Some days are easier to get by than others but not so much today or yesterday for that matter. I'm looking for brighter days but will those days ever come to my favor? Anyways here's to us waiting up to 6 months to try again... hope the time goes by quickly... I'll be looking into classes again whenever they call me with a schedule and getting into work and whatever else so maybe those are distractions I need to get by these next several months. Sorry for the rant that may or may not make sense...... thanks for reading!