There is no hope now. There's no reason to think anything will change now.
This morning we went to the ER because I have been battling a cough for almost 3/4 weeks. And well they drew blood and a chest xray.
All came back okay, showed I have an atypical pneumonia but that's okay..... I can take antibiotics for that.
The part that I am not sure if I can heal from as quickly is the news that my hCg levels have dropped. As of 2 saturdays ago they were well int eh 49,000s and today they were down to 32,104. So looks like in the next few weeks I'll be going through the process of miscarriage as so many women before me.
I'm not sure if there is medicine to heal a broken heart, the heart of a mother.
All I wanted is to have my baby Jayden here...... right now all I can think of how can I be mourning the loss of "buttercup" when in fact I should be having my arms full in diapers and toys and baby stuff for a 5 month old, instead here I sit slowly miscarrying my baby. A baby I will never get to meet and see what s/he looks like. I'll never know if s/he has my facial features or daddy's big feet like big brother Jayden did.
And I have to sit and wait several more months now before we can TTC again. I hate the tought of TTC. Like I said we should be so knee high deep in baby stuff and busy taking our newborn / infant to dr's appts and going out to the park. Instead we have to wait!!
I noticed one thing though, I know I've heard it many times after loosing Jayden but I'm hearing it again..... that phrase "you're young, you can have more" or "God has his reasons"........ well honestly I am fed up with those sayings....... if you don't have anything encouraging or supportive to say don't talk to me...... cause I hate hearing the same old lines. It gets old after awhile.......
What if your dog died and I said "well you can go buy another one"...... would you be as upset? Probably if you had that dog in your life for all it's life.... or even just enough time to get attached.
I've become more bitter towards the world, towards God during this. All that praying and having faith and believing God has answered our prayers...... well I'm finding it all BS!!! Maybe one day, some day I will recant my statement but for now- this moment in time....... yeah I have no faith in God...... He took away 2 precious children away from me. And my faith has been tested far enough in the last year.
And if this post offends some people than well I can't say I'm sorry- I refuse to apologize for expressing my thoughts and feelings.
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Hey - this is Shelly from Nov EC.
ReplyDeleteIf you are mad at God - it's ok. When I had my m/c in 2005 after waiting so long to have a baby, I was mad too. He listened to all my temper tantrums, my screaming fits, all my tears, everything...and He loved me just the same. There aren't any words out there that are going to make it better (I'm like you - if I heard "oh you are young you can have more" one more time I think I would have choked the person that said it). God is still going to be there and even though you don't feel like He is - He is closer than you think. I hate it when I think about my Emily (my m/c baby) in Heaven getting new friends. It's not fair that people who have no place having children have them and the ones that want them so desperately struggle. I know. I have been there. I pray that you have peace and heal. I'll be thinking of you.